Wednesday, April 18, 2007

You know what's really boring?
Good taste.
For as long as I can remember, I have been mysteriously attracted to tackiness like a moth to a flame. Take me to a street fair or flea market and point me in the direction of the booth selling tasteless home furnishings, sequined vintage pumps, or, above all, gaudy jewelry, and I am a happy girl.
In my opinion, very few people can scrape by on good looks and boring attire. Those people are...er...actually, nobody. Except perhaps for Audrey Hepburn, whom I will always love despite her somewhat bland outfit choices. After reading Molly's insightful post on her, I think I see that her style is not quite as revolutionary as I thought it was, but still, j'aime her regardless.
Really, though, who would you rather hang out with on Friday night- the girl in sparkles and sequins, draped in gypsy scarves and pirate earrings and beads and baubles, whose heels make loud clickety-clack noises on the pavement and whose bangles clang together every time she laughs? Or the whiny, lactose-intolerant, buttoned-into-a-cardigan girl with her hair severely pulled back and her J.Crew prepster favorites firmly fastened on? Then again, some people manage to make preppiness and cardiganosity (if that's not a word, it should be) awesome, but only a precious few.
So, to celebrate the general feeling of this post- which I believe is "Everybody likes a walking fashion disaster nutjob!"- here is, in my humble opinion, some of the greatest jewelry in the whole wide world.
These earrings are so deliciously junk-shop. They look like microcosms of American pop culture. They look like a representation of...okay, can I stop with the pontificating now? They look like EARRINGS, really great earrings that I love with every bone in my body.

If I ever decide to become a pretentious photography student who talks excessively about sepia tones and only drinks espresso, I will be set for life with this ring. No offense to any pretentious photography students out there. But you should get this ring. Because it kicks so much ass. The lens is a tiny rhinestone! Doesn't that just make you happy?

These are tortilla-chip-shaped earrings. And, in all fairness, there is an excellent chance that people will think you are mentally unstable if you exit the house in these. I mean, they look real. But frankly, there are worse things to be known as than Girl Who Wears Tortilla Chips On Her Ears.

God, I love this necklace so much. It's Gothic in a way that I can handle- too much Gothica (real word? Emmaword? Who can say for sure? I don't feel like looking it up) scares me, but this necklace is the perfect amount. It's classy in a chilling way. And, it's basically the polar opposite of those tortilla chip earrings, right?

A Lego ring with a tiny diamond! This satisfies both my inner child, who just wants to go build toy forts, and my deeper, more mature side, who...likes shiny rocks.

I know owls are so played out right now (oh my God, I cannot believe I just typed that sentence. I should probably delete it, as it makes me sound like SUCH an idiot, but I can see the humor in it. What am I going to write next, "Marsupials are sooo the new amphibians!"?), but honestly, I am in mad passionate love with this necklace.

Awww, peas in a pod! This necklace is adorable, and I don't mean in the way normal people use the word, as in "Yeah, that skirt is adorable". I mean it is ADORABLE, as in come-here-sweetheart-let-me-pinch-your-cheek-look-how-much-you've-grown.


These earrings are fantastic because they remind me of the weird parts-of-a-face magnets I have stuck to my toaster, combined with a miniature pink-and-purple gumball.

This is a bracelet made entirely of pulp-fiction buttons. Nothing else really needs to be said.




Ah, America. The best way to express distaste and revulsion with the fast-food dependency of our nation is to display it proudly on your ears. These are probably some of the funkiest earrings I've seen so far.


I MUST HAVE THESE. They're from the Betsey Johnson website, and I may have to devote my life to making them my own. You know, I can probably just order them. But still, I love the drama.


Wouldn't these earrings kind of put a positive spin on rainy days? And, for that matter, on every day?



I think I would be very content to spend my life assembling crazy jewelry like this. I could be a batty shut-in jewelry vendor and peddle kooky charm bracelets to the mailman, sparkly thumb rings to the UPS guy who comes to deliver my supplies of gaudy knicknacks, and so on and so forth. In all seriousness, though, the other day I was thinking about what my dream job would actually be...hmm. I had a two-day phase where I wanted to be a doctor, until I remembered a. I don't like sick people, b. I don't like coughing, c. I don't like hacking, sneezing or viral infections, d. I suck at math and science, the two courses that most pertain to medicine, e. doctors are not nearly as hot in real life as they are on TV, and also, they're not usually quite so promiscuous, and f. I'm really most likely not a very comforting person to have by your deathbed (I'm the type who would try to break the tension by cracking awful, awful jokes, i.e. "Why were the suspenders arrested? For holding up a pair of pants! HAHAHAHAHA!" Come on, you know that's maybe just a little bit funny...no? Really? Ok then, mull it over, let it sink in.) So perhaps doctoring is not the profession for me. I love clothes, mostly vintage, but I don't really have any interest in the fashion magazine world, nor enough talent for the design world (ooh, maybe I could be like the fledgling young sucky contestant on Project Runway and Tim Gunn could whip me into shape? I seem to be mentioning Tim Gunn a lot lately. It's not a little disturbing. Oh, all right, you caught me. I'm a closet Tim Gunn lover. I LOVE HIM, people. I do. I want him to be my bitchy disapproving gay man who trashes what I'm wearing every morning). I have an odd knack for impressions yet no acting talent whatsoever. I'm not brave enough to be a stuntswoman, nor athletic enough to be an athlete (I skipped that whole jock phase completely. I'm one of those girls everyone hates because she gets hit in the head by the volleyball and then runs giggling off the court to fix her hair. Look, I can't help it, all right? That stupid ball hurts! Er...of course I am speaking metaphorically, and it's not like I get hit with volleyballs as a matter of course. Yeah.) I love my current part-time job, but I'm too much of a bitch for retail- I have not the patience necessary to make it a full-time thing. I like to write, and I enjoy eating, and making fun of people. I could be...a critic of something? Who eats a lot? Okay, I'm getting nowhere. Please, if you have suggestions for my future career, do tell me. I'm on tenterhooks (what does that mean, anyway? Sounds painful).

THE TV CORNER- Due to extenuating circumstances (really, when am I going to use my newfound knowledge of World War 1? Outside of Jeopardy, perhaps? God, I love Jeopardy. Challenging questions, hideous contestants in pleat-front chinos who are just ripe and ready to be mocked, a vintage game show host- that's my polite way of saying Alek Trebek is old, y'all- what's not to love? Plus, it makes me feel smart to know the answers) I was unable to watch ANTM tonight and have TiVoed it. If anybody so much as breathes a WORD as to what happened...swift and painful, the death shall be. I have already sworn everyone I know in the 3-D world who watches this show to keep their traps shut. Don't laugh at me, I get VERY emotional about television, even Tyra's Next Top Puppet. I mean, I love the girls an' all, and praise be to the CW for that all-tranny episode, but the girls are completely Ty-Ty's bitches. To borrow a phrase from the brilliant CountrygirlCitylife, they are her little hamsters and she is the...er...Petco employee who is in charge of feeding the hamsters? See, this is why I shouldn't steal other people's turns of phrase- I don't know how to make them work in metaphors. But my point is, I really want one of the girls to man up, seize the day and tell Tyra to hush. Really, sometimes when Tyra is being "witty" I just want to quietly take her aside and say, "It's okay, Tyra. You don't have to talk ALL the time. Like, sometimes it's perfectly okay to just...sit there silently. You might even say it's...preferable, at times". Mais non, I love La Banks really, I just hide it deep down inside. Okay, so on an unrelated note, should I start watching The Search For The Next Doll? I feel like I might be missing out on a beautiful thing. And on a MORE ADD note, I've seen a few episodes of House recently, and all I have to say is...I used to think people were retarded for getting all bent out of shape about all the medical dramedies stealing from Scrubs, but it might actually be a valid point. I would be really pissed off if I were the Scrubs people. Anyway, my Thursday nights have now been wiped clean of Grey's Anatomy and look a little something like zees- The Office, 30 Rock, Scrubs, Ugly Betty (not in that order, obviously). Pure hilarity. As it should be.

CURRENT ATTIRE- Very, very faded Beatles tee, black jeans that are hopefully slimming, funky pumps in bright turquoise, Pucci-print silk scarf belt (sounds fug, but I think it looks kind of cool as an outfit. Or else I'm grievously wrong. C'est la vie.)

SIGHTINGS- A girl wearing earrings shaped like little pink plastic watering cans gave me the idea for this post. Also, a dude in a really amazing corduroy coat which was not all that special but looked cool. This other chick in Haagen-Dazs (crap, you haven't LIVED until you've had one of their dulce de leche milkshakes. Alex Richards, in answer to your question, THIS is my ice cream drug of choice, outside of my twin Vermont lovers' classic Chubby Hubby. It never gets old.) had the greatest navy blue patent leather ballet flats. The rest of her outfit was nothing special, but those shoes...so great.

Last, I feel like I should write something about Virginia Tech, but it seems like it would be inappropriate, seeing as I didn't know anyone there (Thank God, I feel so bad for the families and friends of those kids) and it would look like I was trivializing the subject if I just tossed it in after a rant about reality TV and jewelry. So I'll just say that I cannot imagine how those poor families and friends are feeling right now, and I won't pretend I do. My heart goes out to them (I know how lame that sounds, but it does).

<3

45 comments:

Dilemma said...

Ahaha I have that camera ring. The black stuff is actually like a piece of tape[I kid you not] and one side started peeling off within days. It still rules though, even though I had to have my mom help me fix it.
"Why were the suspenders arrested? For holding up a pair of pants! HAHAHAHAHA!" I actually laughed. Really loud and longer than I should have.
I'm so sorry I spoiled ANTM for you! I knew I should have posted bigger spoiler warnings! Annnd I think it's awesome that the girl who writes about tortilla chip earrings thinks my posts are kickass! hahaha. Seriously though, this was another epic post.

Touche19 said...

I thought it was impossible for you to rock my world any more than you already have, but I stand corrected.

YOU'RE TOO DAMN AWESOME, geeze.

"sounds fug, but I think it looks kind of cool as an outfit. Or else I'm grievously wrong. C'est la vie" - I think it sounds awesome, and I have a feeling you could pull it off. Especially the pumps, bow chica bow wow.

That ring in last months TeenVogue of the boombox (it's a two-finger ring) with the diamond nob is STUNNING and I want it so desperately, unfortch it's worth triple digits :[

And as terrible as this sounds, I never wear earrings. ever. once when I was 11 at my aunts wedding (I even got my ears pierced for it) but I think they look terrible on me. Life can be so unfair.
Wow, uber long comment.

stilettoheights said...

I think the key is to mix the two styles together, a bit of classy audrey style with the crazy jewelry or ridiculous shoes...that is what I have always done at least!!!

CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Best.Post.Ever.
Fab Jewelry, Personal reflective future career thoughts, volleyballs, hamster love, Tyra bitching, CHUBBY HUBBY!!! (love). Gosh, I am stuffed. Don't go to my blog today or you will be forever spoiled.

Meg said...

I have a things about weird jewellery sometimes. At the moment, I am constantly wearing a long gunmetal necklace with the Mona Lisa hanging off it.

I think you should be a weathergirl. You can wear interesting weather/seasonal themed jewellery, dress up everyday and you'll be famous. And when you're famous you can fraternise with other famous people, like McSteamy...or Chad, the over-tanned news anchor.

maya said...

i love all your posts so i dont mind that we posted about the same thingsish (ahem, copycat, ahem. joking)(sorry i had to write joking otherwise you would have thought i was being serious like when molly wrote leave me to my denim skirt and uggs and you had an attack. yes i read your comment conversations, sorry.) I love the camera ring and the lego one and ooh so much more but i can remembeer cuz your posts are uber long and i forget.
your current attire sounds just like what i wore on tuesday. black jeans, faded beatles tshirt and blue pumps but they wre only blue not turquoise. damn. they have little boats on them though so that's pretty fly.

said...

omg i have the camera ring on my site too and the french fries earings are so cute! thanks for the comment<3

jayne said...

those earrings are delightfully tacky, so much so that i adore them! the pea pods rock, i am totally into the owl necklace, and i need that photo ring- for yes, i am a photo student, but hopefully not a pretentious one! actually i loathe my class, b/c my teacher hates me, she always has- since kindergarten, it's just sad...anyway...still want the ring!

Touche19 said...

I will be sure to *attempt to party with Walt all the time.
And I KNOW I've already posted a obese comment, but I just remembered this part:
"remind me of the weird parts-of-a-face magnets I have stuck to my toaster"

uhm, I WANT TO SEE THIS TOASTER THAT HAS FALLEN FROM THE HEAVENS

WAT said...

A Beatles tee! AWESOME! U need to take a picture of it so I can see it!

You rant and rant my dear, but u make me laff in the process. Hilarious girl!

What do I know about earrings, but the peas in a pod and fast-food ones are purty cool.

La Principessa said...

Where, where, where did the camera ring and the lego ring come from?? Don't keep me in suspense!

PS--I'm am going to have a Round II of the Thrift Score Challenge. It was too much fun not to.

Carolina Lange said...

I love that owl necklace! Great post!

alexgirl said...

You're Tyra-rade was awesome. I am in total agreement. So, have you watched this weeks ANTM yet?! And here's the thing about House: that guy is suck a f*cking asshole that I can't stand to watch the show, Scrubs issues aside.
That camera ring is so friging awesome. I want it. Where oh where can i get it?!
I almost bought those Lego rings as Xmas pressies this year, but i'm not made of money, so I just gave people hugs and macaroni necklaces instead.
As always, You Are A Genius, EMMA!!! great post.
Oh, and DUH: you should be a writer (like me!!!)

Regina and Renee said...

your. blog. rocks. my. world.


xoxo
Regina

-ciao bella- said...

Jesus- I am loving every single piece of jewelry in that post. especially those tortilla shaped earrings and that camera ring! oh my god they are all just too amazing for words.

hellocello said...

ohehmgee i love quirky tacky junky earings! HUZZA!!!

the lipstick lady said...

teehee, i'm sure you'd love me- i have a tacky earring collection larger than... something large. I might have to steal this post idea and take pictures of all of them and post them up.
humtetum, I would at least try to leave a humourous/insightful/useful comment but it is midnight and I'm still waiting for that stupid episode of grey's to 'buffer' or whatever, WHICH leads me to say something[ why ooh why no more grey's for you? i've been reading back on posts to find out (i get obsessed about extremely small, mostly silly things) but obviously i'm a little slow so sil vous plait (since you're being french I might as well join :) ) explain-ez to moi why no my grey's?
i'm pretty nsure not one sentence of that comment was good english.
ah well

The Boob Lady said...

I am in love with those bird earrings. LOVE!!

Carissa said...

I want all of the ringsss.

Alison said...

i LOVE those first earrings
pretty
soo pretty
oh and btw...
i <3 u
longtime.

Le Portillon said...

love your blog.

Maddy said...

How crazy, I blogged about that Lego ring in my very first post! And I still want it. But guess what? I still don't have it.

Maddy said...

It's from shanalogic.com (Damn, I am like lightning!)

Brian Mandabach said...

Those owls took me back to my first job as a teenger in northwest suburb Barrington, Ill.

It was a restaurant called The Crystal Owl, run by a lady named Crystal and filled with owls in every media from crystal to macrame . . .
terrifying, but your earrings rule.

sara said...

okay that camera ring and lego ring are totally MINE.
And those winking earrings are like the best ones I've ever seen.

Nicola's Vintage Boutique said...

sorry, Ive been soo busy...I havent had any time at all to write my blog

I started one a while ago, I will probably post it between monday-thursday

its on Biba, and it should be huge
so far I have 18 pictures added

funnyface said...

absolutely!
ur blog is quite refreshing

coco said...

i love all that quirky jewlery
great post

Tru said...

all the jewlery you picked is sooo cute. I want it all, the lego ring is especially spectacular

Meg said...

Re: She is smart! So, so smart. If she were a man, she would be my ideal.

Meg said...

PS. Patricia Fields' hair dye obviously starting seeping through to her brain the further we moved into SATC. She did a fairly decent job on Andie in TDWP though which makes me wonder whether she just disliked SJP and so made her go on wearing the hideous monstrosities that she did.

Money Miss said...

Yes. I am the girl who will one day look the same as all the clones at my school (except, I have no uggs. I did have them last year, no, wait, the year before. 2005. Or 6.), but the next day random people go "what the hell are you wearing??". Harhar. One day I will be a struggling actress and you will be sorry because you'll be in some boring corporate job. While I starve because I can't say "t"s properly. :)

molly said...

search for the next doll is the EPITOME of a guilty pleasure. so pleasurable...but so so guilty.
i like melissa r.

wow im glad my post on audrey made you think. hope it wasnt PEER PRESSURE!

i finally posted, but dont go to my blog if you dont know who got eliminated!

Gryphon said...

Those French Fry earrings would go awesome with my Evil Taco shirt. But the camera ring puts them all to shame

Brittany said...

i love the camera right. that is so great!

Frapp said...

WOW you write a hell of a long post! I've linked you by the way. The outfit actually sounds quite cool, and Scrubs and Ugly Betty rock, as well as House. Usually I don't like all the medical dramas as they all seem the same, but Scrubs and House are two that really stand out for me. As for the jewellery I love the fast food earrings, the pea pod necklace, the lego ring and the camera ring. I also love the owl necklace (Love owls, you can't not love owls) and I recently bought a Topshop necklace almost exactly like that Gothica necklace! Except that ones better, but mine's still pretty good, and I like it.

Meg said...

I love when you talk mean.

Fashionyou's Molly said...

I WANT THOSE CHIP EARINGS!! And the camera ring too =]
And yes- All the other Molly named blogs i have read are all rather fabby (not to big myself or anything!!)
Yeah i would love love LOVE to exchange links- your blog rocks!!
Xox

High Fashion Girl said...

I would be delighted if you link to me. I will reciprocate!

Mash said...

Wow i really love the camera ring , what is the name of the brand please ?
I Think you could be a great journalist because you have the capacity to captivate people who read your blog ...just my personal opinion .

Mash said...

i forget : I m gonna link you on my blog

maya said...

Please post soon. Its making me cry in my mouth.
oh, god. Im sorry if i ever use that phrase agin slap me hard. i have picked it up from a friend and it wont leave.

*** MeMiLy EdD *** said...

i would love to exchange links with you i will link you now. i love the camera ring and the fast food earrings

F.M. said...

Kitsch is cool . Amen.

jungle dream pagoda said...

Yummy ticky-tacky glamour jewlry!!!! I am with you about the fun folks almost always have that witty wink when it comes to wardrobe choices!I Just got back from(perhaps ) the tacky capital of the world ,La Las Vegas,and oooooooooat the fun outfit observations!!!!Those Betsy earings are definitely the yummiest of the lot,but that fastfood set!!! Wouldn't you love to see them with a perfectly fitted (oonch of hootchie)suit with black tights ,black heels hair in chignon(or chopped to heck)and red lips ? They would shine all the more!I finally got my neclace in the mail from Paraphernalia(an Etsy). Kinda reminds me of those Betsy earings. You should check that shop out!