Blogtopia! It's so good to see you! Look how you've grown! Come here and let me pinch your face and slobber all over you, dahling, for I have returned.
That was me being a washed-up diva (possibly in a glitzy turban, stirring a martini with a diamond stirrer and picking bonbons out of a heart-shaped tray a la Joan Collins or Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard, because I AM big, it's the blogs that got small ) and announcing my somewhat delayed return after a little hiatus where I was suffering from a) having lots of work to do, b) blowing off my work to go enjoy the end of the school year, and c) writer's block. I don't want to be the absent Deadbeat Dad of bloggers, but I can't help it at this time of year, I'm terribly afflicted with flakiness right about now (when aren't I?)
So to make it up to you...I'm going to do a totally random post about the things I like!
It was supposed to just be a post where I took pictures of my favorite cosmetics, but it degenerated into a big steamy-hot bubbling crock pot o'insanity. Hope you all enjoy!
These are my blue Seychelles shoes. I don't know if you can tell how lovely they are in the picture, but I absolutely adore them. I wore them to my graduation ceremony with a pretty pale-gray-and-navy Victorian-style dress (which sounds dull, but I think it looked pretty nice), and then because they were so comfy I stupidly thought I could walk through the park in them, shouldering a bookbag. My rationale was, if French women walk everywhere in heels and are drop-dead-gorgeous knockouts, why can't I? My rationale was proved to be very wrong, in the form of about sixty blisters.

This is my Benefit Realness Of Concealness concealer case. It is the single greatest cosmetic I own. I'm one of those girls who is very easily swayed by pretty things (you know that Greek myth- wait, was it Greek? Was it a myth? Oh I don't know, ask me later- about how the woman who was running the race and then the gods dropped golden apples in her path and she got distracted and lost? Hideously antifeminist and insulting, but I completely identify with her. They're GOLDEN APPLES. If nothing else, they'd probably make a nice chunk of change on eBay.), so naturally I am in mad passionate love with all Benefit cosmetics, as their packaging is so blatantly adorable that I find myself buying things I don't need, or even particularly want, just because it's so pretty. However, this concealer is not just attractive but functional- it works very, very well. And look at the ironic-cute polka dots! No, really, look. Are you looking?

This is the Regina Spektor CD my friend kindly lent me when I was whining about how high my iTunes bill is, so that I could transfer the songs onto my playlist. Needless to say, I am deliriously happy and considering nominating said friend for sainthood.

This is the rubber duck which lives in my bathroom. He wasn't so happy about posing for my blog, so in exchange I had to promise to stop singing in the shower. Apparently not even plastic toys enjoy my rendition of "Sexyback".

You can't really tell, but this is the cover of The Virgin Suicides, which I am currently reading and loving. I haven't seen the movie yet (something of an anomaly for me, reading a book without seeing the movie first...I'm really bad about that. I'm also a total spoiler whore, but ONLY WHEN I WANT TO HEAR THE SPOILERS AND SPECIFICALLY REQUEST/RESEARCH THEM. I missed the last episode of the second season of Grey's last year, back when it was still good, and when my friend told me what happened I cried and hit him for about six hours, which he just laughed at, and then gave him the silent treatment, which I do not recommend as a good method of showing your guy friends your fury because it doesn't work on them) but I will when I finish.

This is my Palladio rice paper, inherited(cough-stolen-from-her-makeup-bag-cough) from my aunt. I'm not sure it actually does anything, but I like it anyway. And it makes me look like less of a shiny oaf on my shiny-oaf days. By the way, if anybody has incredibly good vision and spies that the little geisha lady has half a mustache drawn on her- 'twasn't me, my friend drew it with a thin-line Sharpie once when I was in the shower, then got bored and didn't bother finishing. Nice.

This is my Smith's Rosebud Salve. Addictive. Pretty much the caffeine of lip balms in that respect. Also, it's not too glossy, which is good because I don't like lip gloss except for my sheer red Neutrogena stuff which makes my lips tingle. I used to practically cake lip gloss on, but now I think mostly I just looked like a sad girl with too much lip gloss on.

These are a container of Dean & Deluca "Springtime" cookies in interesting shapes which I am currently devouring. They were a party favor from my friend's swank end-of-the-year thing. They're kind of difficult to eat, but mmm. Icing and unrefined white flour and butter and sugar, oh my!

These are some cookies from the aforementioned container of cookies. Cute as the proverbial button, right? Small iced adorable things just make me happy. Especially when they're shaped like butterflies and daisies and tulips. I'm actually pretty easy to please. You know, just the simple things- some cute cookies, a bright summer's day, and lifelong omnipotence. The usual.
But really, don't you just want to smile at these cookies? How could you not, you cruel and soulless shrews? Sorry, I'm passionate about the things I love (especially the sugar-iced ones made in ovens).

This is my patterned scarf which I got from a vintage store in Cambridge for $5 some time ago. I love it. It has become my "mostly companion", as Eloise would say. Well, obviously not literally- it's not as if I go around whispering to my scarf like a crazy scarf lady. Are there crazy scarf ladies? Surely there must be. Are they like cat ladies, but with scarves? Anyway, what I meant was that in the terms of wearing-it-constantly (usually as a belt or headband or tied to my bag, not as wrist-bow, but I needed a way to display it for all its glory), it is faithfully by my side. Also, you have no idea how often a silk scarf comes in handy, for anything from holding together the fragmented pieces of a broken-strapped bag or instantly belting a fug shapeless top.

This is the best eyeliner in the whole world (Benefit, naturally). Eye makeup can be tricky- what's that little ditty our mothers and grandmothers used to recite to us and sew into samplers? "If you wear too much of it, you will look like a bowling-alley prostitute and never find love." Ah, wise words indeed. But in all seriousness, this stuff is the perfect balance between being a cosmetic-free little Quaker girl (do Quakers wear makeup? Maybe they do, I don't know. I was just thinking of them as very fresh-faced and pure, but I could be wrong, maybe underneath it all they're wild lascivious succubi or something) and propositioning sailors. Also, it doesn't give you what my friend and I have termed ACS (Alice Cooper Syndrome)-i.e. it doesn't make you look like you were just taken to a goth makeup artist who did your eyes and then punched you.
This is my Franz Kafka button, which I got at the Kafka Museum. He doesn't look so happy to be making a guest appearance on this blog, does he? Why so sad, Kafka?
This is...well, it's undefinable. They are shoes. They are definitely shoes. And before you start, I WOULD NEVER WEAR THEM OUTSIDE. Not even on Halloween, because I generally don't like being mistaken for a lady of the night (that's a polite term for "giant hooker", by the way), and also, geez. Those heels are no joke, and let me just say if that's what strippers have to contend with, it's possible that society might be a little bit too hard on them. But aren't they hilarious and awesome? They were actually gifted to my mother as a joke present, but I loved them so much I gave them a home on display in my bedroom. And in case you were wondering, yes, those are tiny goldfish down there in the heels. You're speechless, right? Because I kind of am every time I look at them.

This is my Clinique gel blush. I already talked about my little lip-gloss-is-Satan-spelled-backwards breakthrough, but after that happened I realized I couldn't just go around bare-lipped- I am not gifted with the ability to look great without makeup (I don't like to slather my face in paint, it makes me feel itchy and prostitute-like, and to quote my friend Matt when I asked him this past summer about the subject of girls wearing a lot of makeup- "It's really freaky when you touch a girl's face and you come away with half of her cheek." Well said. Kind of gross, but also poetic, I think- but I am not about to pull a "Ooh, yes, I just roll out of bed and take the cucumber slices off my eyes and go about my day, all the while stopping to spoon-feed broth to orphans and let the homeless bask in my glow of natural beauty" thing. ) . This stuff gives me, the palest girl of all the pale girls in Pale City, a nice cheek-and-lip color, sort of Renaissance-y and pretty.
This is my chunky silver vintage cuff, which makes me feel kind of bad-ass and Wonder-Woman-esque at the same time.
This is my Metrocard. Oh, the places I'll go with my little slice of metropolis. Uptown, downtown, the city is mine! Until I need to renew it. Or lose it, which, to be honest, could happen at any moment now.

This is my Las Vegas key chain, which is not only resplendently tacky but also practical- it doubles as a pen! Hey, I never pretended to have taste. It could be worse. At least it's not neon. Oh God, I wish it were neon. Maybe the letters could blink on and off...Dare to dream.

THE MUSIC & TV CORNER- Hear that sound? That's me hopping on the bandwagon re. Amy Winehouse. I used to sort of dislike her, and think she looked like the slutty waitress in a Greek restaurant, but I am thoroughly addicted to her now. Rehab and You Know I'm No Good are great, but I think my favorite is Pumps, a sarcastic ode to skanky footballers' wife-wannabes which makes me laugh and dance a little bit in my seat when nobody is looking. It's not available on iTunes, though, most likely because of all the F-bombs she drops. Stupid censorship. The Man is at work again. TV-wise, everything is gone, gone, goooone...Lost, 30 Rock, Scrubs, ANTM, Ugly Betty, my soooooul...only joking, it's not like I'm THAT obsessed with TV. Probably. Hush. Anyway, I guess I'll give this miniseries with Debra Mess (too easy? Meh, still fun) a try. Le sigh. Hurry back, television of yore. I'll miss you over the summer, but probably not that much, because it's SUMMER! Still, though.

SIGHTINGS- Ooh, this girl outside my school was wearing the most fantastic white really soft-looking cotton sundress with mint green shiny wedge heels, which might be a bit Summer 2006 but are still pretty cute in my opinion, and...this is the only part of the outfit I didn't like- a lime-and-pink, clearly J.Crew ultra-preppy headband. Oye. But other than that it was so cute. And I am suddenly finding myself to be in love with this guy who attends my gym. And I might sort of be stalking him. Well, I've been noticing that our workouts overlap a lot lately, and let's just say it's maybe not a coincidence. I've only seen him twice though, but I made a point of coming back the second time the exact same time I was there when I first saw him, and there he was in a red T-shirt over washboard abs and a pair of board shorts that were surprisingly tolerable (usually I hate when guys in NYC wear board shorts, it looks pathetic), doing that thing where you press the thing with your leg or lift the thing with your muscle (I don't know gym terminology. So sue me.) Oh, and why are old ladies so unwittingly stylish? An elderly woman on my block was wearing fantastic round-toe pumps that I coveted. Unfortunately, though, she paired them with support hose and a scowl. Yes, I am jealous of old peoples' footwear. WHAT?

CURRENT ATTIRE- Oh my God, my feet have been through hell lately, I've been walking in heels, dancing a lot at assorted end-of-year-parties, and going to the gym both to tone up and hopefully see Hot Gym Dude. So since I'm on virtual house arrest this long weekend for a final exams-review session, I'm using the opportunity for foot therapy. My monkey socks are not coming off ALL WEEKEND. I'm wearing those, a pair of baby blue shorts which I am pretty sure are the dreaded Soffes I used to wear obsessively before I realized I was not in fact a gymnast or a perky cheerleader and had no need for athletic baby-shorts (I think that was around the same time I was slathering myself in Ultra-Sexy Shine On Glossy-Rave Party Girl Glossage, or whatever my tweenybopper Wet&Wild lip gloss was called). Still, they're comfortable, and with them I'm wearing a T-shirt that my crafty and remarkably leftist friend Katie made for me for my birthday reading simply "BUSHISMS" and then has three Bushisms written on it- "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.", "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.", and "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." It is, I must say, a fairly perfect and amusing shirt, and almost as much of a conversation piece as my hooker heels with the goldfish, which live on top of my magazine box and are commented on by nearly everyone who enters my bedroom. Anyway, I'm also wearing my silky patterned scarf as a headband, and oh my God I just realized how skanky my hair is. Off I go to shower off the day's injustices!

Peace <3

1. What's your middle name?:
 Sex bomb.
2. Is your cell phone a flip phone?
 Yeah, actually, ‘cause I’m retro like that. And because it was the least expensive phone available.
3. Have you ever been to New Jersey?: Mais bien sur. I go to the Paramus mall every day-before-Christmas-eve with my uncle to buy last-minute gifts (we’re both kind of spacey about present-giving- we usually end up giving everyone horrendous tacky novelty pins and the like) for everyone in our family. I also have some dear friends who live in Joysey, but I usually make them come up and visit me because (and I’m not pulling a Sienna Miller here, I don’t mean this bitchily) I get kind of bored there. I’m very ADD, so I need lots and lots of urban distraction.
4. What's your favorite soda?: I don’t drink soda. The last time I drank a Coke was when I was five years old in an art gallery in Russia with my mother. I have a vague memory of throwing up in the coatroom.
5. Do you have satellite?
 Say what? I have…cable, I think. Is that the same? I don’t know, I’m not technologically blessed.
6. Where did you go to college?
 Harvard. I majored in BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, that’s hard to keep up. I have not as such attended an institution of higher education yet. But I fooled you, didn’t I?
7. What's the longest road trip you've been on?
 I took a three-day road trip once with my aunt and some friends, armed only with our (not-so-full) wallets and the Road Food guidebook my aunt gave me for Christmas two years ago. We all ended up screaming at each other, losing maps and eating a lot, but it was crazily fun. And so very Jack Kerouac, yes?
8. Did you go to a private school?
 Yeah. I’ve actually attended a bunch of schools but the one I’ve attended for the longest time is private.
9. What's your favorite smiley?

The pirate smiley. And the old-school vintage smiley with a twist…it’s a Magic-8 Ball! And this weird, yin/yang-but-not snarly/smiley which I love with all my heart.
10. Do you buy lottery tickets in hopes of winning?
 The lottery is evil, dude. In fifth grade when we were studying probability, and, by association, the New York lottery, I had this breakthrough- “Where is the money that people pay to buy Lotto tickets GOING?” I was a total idiot- I thought maybe it was going to some illicit crack den or something and I’d totally cracked the code and nobody had ever thought of that before me. I told my teacher my theory, and she laughed. Hard. It was mean, actually. I was like TEN. No need to squash all my delusions of grandeur.
11. What year were you born in?
 The year of living dangerously.
12. Do you like the smell of Sharpies?
 God, no. I love Sharpies, especially miniature sharpies, but I hate the smell.
13. What does your screensaver look like?:
 Leopard print. Grrr. It used to be a picture of me and my friends in amusing hats, and then before that a picture of a constellation of stars, which always used to distract me because the stars had some technology to make it look like they were moving around and shooting, and I would sit down at my computer ready to do work and an hour would go by and I would realize I’d been there transfixed by the shimmery-glimmery stars and hadn’t begun whatever it is I was meant to be doing.
14. Do you have an iPod?:
 No, I’m practically Amish. I don’t have a Myspace/Facebook or a cellphone that was made in the twenty-first century, either. If it weren’t for my blessed computer, upon which I listen to music, watch TV and pretty much do everything, I would probably be a) filling out this survey on a banana peel, and b) doing really well in school.
15. What's your biggest pet peeve?
 DO NOT GET ME STARTED. I can’t list just one! But, top 5- people who come into Cool Vintage Store and don’t put the clothes they try on back on the racks, people who sneeze on me in the subway or bus (really, it’s like they seek me out. SNEEZE INTO YOUR HAND. Don’t you know that’s how the plague got started? Oh, wait, or was that rats? Whatever), condescending people, people who EAT YOUR FOOD and then pretend they didn’t know it was yours (I’m generally not a physically violent person, but I am vicious about food) and coleslaw. I don’t know why, but coleslaw just angers me. It always has. Ugh...
16. What shoe size do you wear?:
 8 ½ to 9.
17. What's your favorite kind of cereal?: What isn’t my favorite kind of cereal, would be a better question. I’m trying to be slightly more healthy (read- lose weight for the hell of bathing suit season) so I’ve been eating disgusting bran-type stuff lately, but nothing beats a classic bowl of Lucky Charms, with or without milk.
18. Do you ever listen to Classical music?
 Meh. Sometimes it’ll be playing in the background of a room I’m in and I’ll kind of like it, but really, I’m not a fan.
19. What kind of instruments do you play? 
 Guitar. I used to take piano in third grade, but I quit.
20. Do you like Girl Scout cookies?
 Who doesn’t? Bring on the Thin Mints. I’m furious that Girl/Boy Scouts don’t peddle here in NYC. If you think about it, they’re kind of the drug dealers of the cookie world. Maybe somebody should mention that to the Scoutmaster.
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? 
No. But I have stared wistfully at huge tacky white limos and thought “What I wouldn’t give to be the tacky suburban teen couple passed out in that magnificent vehicle on their way back from the senior prom. Oh, to be clad in lurid ruffled chiffon and dance the night away with a wasted stoner in his big brother’s lurid white tuxedo!”
Because nothing says "Romance" like ruffled puff sleeves and a mullet.
22. Do you like Hummers? NO. NO. NO. It’s one thing to have ginormous cars for BATTLE, but come on, every generic New York tanorexic mother who’s practically run me down at crosswalks because you were too busy screaming at your staff from your Crackberry to watch where you were going, do you really need a frickin’ MILITARY TANK CAR to squire your two blond children to soccer practice?
24. Are you scared of horses? 
No. I like horses. I never really had a horsey stage, and I loathe My Little Pony with the white-hot fire of a thousand screeching rockets, but I like real horses. They’re very gentle and peaceful. Unless they’re, you know, bucking you. Plus, I really like riding outfits.
25. Do you like milk chocolate or dark chocolate?: Milk chocolate. I wouldn’t refuse dark chocolate, but if I got to choose I’d take milk chocolate.
26. Do you wear glasses?:
 I’m supposed to, but I’m too vain to wear them outside of class.
27. Does it annoy you when people misspell things?:
 I’m a total grammar Nazi. It’s actually pretty obnoxious. I try to stop myself from correcting people’s spelling, but it’s hard- sometimes I have to bite my lip to keep from blurting out, “ANDROGYNOUS IS SPELLED WITH A Y!”, et cetera.
28. Do you like the beach or the mountains:
 Why do I have to choose? Why can’t I spend my summers frolicking on the beach and my winters holed up in a shack in the mountains like some crazy old shut-in? GOD. No need to PIN ME DOWN, SURVEY.
29. Have you ever taken cough medicine when you didn't have a cough?:
 No. Why? Are you subtly trying to figure out if I’m a druggie? I’m onto you, Survey. Don’t you lie to me.
30. Have you ever been to band camp?
 Well, just this one time…Okay, I don’t feel good about that. That was way too easy. I apologize to you all.
31. Do you know any guys with a receding hair line?
 Unfortunately, yes, but I wish I knew Stewie Griffin (I still prefer The Simpsons to Family Guy, but Stewie makes it a semi-difficult decision). Well, I guess his hairline isn’t so much receding as not grown yet, but still…
32. Do you know what Chacos are?
 Do you know what a phylactery is? No, me neither.
34. Have you ever watched Room Raiders on MTV?:
 Actually, I don’t think I have. I mean, I’ve never sat down to watch an episode- it’s possible that it has at some point been on in the background in some room I was in and therefore has seeped into my consciousness and I will soon randomly get a flash of knowing what the show is about, like an out-of-body experience. Is it sort of like Trading Spaces? No, I don’t know.
35. What's the best Christmas present you've ever got?: I would have to say my knitted monkey toe socks. Shut up. I love them.
36. What's your favorite Popsicle flavor? All Popsicles taste the same to me.
37. Did your parents give you an allowance?: They used to give me a regular one. Now they give me money for food, Metrocards etc., which sounds weird but I end up eating most of my meals out of the house. I still think of it as an allowance but it’s really not.
38. Did you ever watch Rugrats when you were little? Yeah. I liked Angelica. I saw a lot of myself in her. And I liked Suzie Carmichael too, and Chuckie. It is NOT sad that I know the Rugrats so well. It’s NOT. Okay, it is. But honestly, I have a photographic memory- not for anything relevant or useful, like peoples’ phone numbers or European history, but for little facts and TV characters in particular.
39. How many myspace groups have you joined? I already told you, I’m nearly Amish. I don’t have a Myspaz. By the way, no offense to the Amish…but hey, it’s not like any of them are reading this! HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHHAHAHA Oh God, my head hurts. Laugh with me. LAUGH.
40. What do you think of standardized tests?:
 In theory I hate them- they’re really oppressive and I don’t think they’re an accurate measure of intelligence or how much you deserve to attend a certain school- but I actually like the vocab sections. I hate the math ones, though, and I’m not such a big fan of the ones where you have to read a huge passage and summarize it or whatever- I’m not that kind of reader.
41. What's the craziest thing you have ever done?
 Well, the other day I went to Starbucks and bought a piping-hot coffee, skim milk and Splenda, as per usual. HOWEVER. I knew that the coffee would not cool down for at LEAST five minutes or even more, yet I raised the cup to my lips…and with no regard for my safety or the possible burning of my tongue…I took a sip.
I know. I’m wild.
42. Have you ever cheated on a test?:
 What’s your pants size? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were asking each other awkward questions.
43. Is tomorrow your birthday?:
 No, but I plan to eat cake anyway.
44. Have you ever choked on your own spit? 
Ew! No, not that I know of. I’ve choked on my own laughter, and almost all kinds of food as a result of hysterical laughter. My friend told me a story today and I thought I was going to choke on my cinnamon bun. People shouldn’t tell me funny things when I’m eating, it’s hazardous to my health.
45. Do you like roller coasters?: YES. Bring them on. I always have a nervous breakdown waiting in line to go on, almost chicken out, get dragged on by my friends, and end up being glad I went on. At the risk of sounding like a “You don’t need drugs!” commercial, there’s something about that exhilarating fear right before the ride lurches down that makes me feel very…alive, you know?
46. When was the last time you went roller blading?
 Two summers ago. I fell down in Central Park and skinned my knee in front of about sixty tourists. And I used to belong (IN MY YOUTH, like my very very young youth, like fourth grade, so shut up) to a…God, I hate to say it…rollerblading league. And you know you are jealous. But I jammed my finger one time during an intense game of Rollerblading Steal The Bacon, and I remembered that I am prone to bodily harm. So I quit. Just like that bitchy girl in The Cutting Edge, after she got injured. I love stupid movies, but I could only stomach that one for twenty minutes. I wonder what happened to her after she met that cute guy on the beach?
47. Have you ever wished you had a twin?:
 Every single day of algebra. And physics. And floor hockey.
48. Do you have a caffeine addiction?: God, yes. Seriously, don’t talk to me in the morning before I’ve had some form of caffeine or artificially sweetened pastry topped with pink icing. I happen to be drinking really bad coffee at this very moment. And eating a Pop-Tart.
49. Do you get claustrophobic easily?:
 Yeah. I don’t, like, hyperventilate in elevators on a regular basis, but when I get stuck in elevators I FREAK OUT. And I just don’t like very enclosed spaces in general.
50. Would you ever kiss on the first date?:
 I’m offended! Remember, Survey, that I am a lady. If this was an old movie, I would be wearing a petticoat and slapping you daintily right now. And then storming out with my parasol.
But yes, if I liked the guy.

Please fill this out! I want to see you guys' responses. And don't feel obligated to add in pictures- that's just how I roll. ;^) Yeah, I said that.

THE TV CORNER- Oh, how to do this? So much to discuss, so little time. I know! I'll do this.
RANDOM MUSINGS THAT POPPED INTO MY HEAD DURING THE LAST EPISODE OF ANTM
1. Renee's parting shot- "I'd rather have wisdom in my eyes and thoughts in my head than a blank and empty mind" was awesome, but would really make so much more sense if she wasn't, you know, an evil bitch queen from Hades.
2. If the camera ADDS ten pounds, what the hell is Jaslene on? And can I have some? Girl is skinnier than the love child of Ellen Pompeo and a Twizzler.
3. Did it ever cross anybody's mind that maybe Tyra sort of has a thing for The Nige? He is fine, y'all. And he's always like, foisting her off. It's somewhat amusing.
4. God, I am such a loser for caring enough about ANTM to actually talk about it- in all seriousness- on my blog.
5. No, you know what? We live in a time of poverty, and disease, and George Bush. If I need to discuss America's Next Top Model, so be it.
6. "Battle Of The Accents"? Oh, Tyra. You're too much. No, really, you are. Go away now. Just go and sit down over there. Thanks.
7. I wonder if there's any truth to the rumor that the J/Jays are joined in the act of love? It's v. highly unlikely, but I hope it's true. In the words of Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock, "Freaky-deakies need love too."
8. When I saw Jas-queen win and was raging to my friend over the phone, I heard myself say, "IT'S SO UNFAIR THAT SHE WON JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A BETTER MODEL!" Hmm. It's true, though. I love Nata! I hope we haven't seen the last of her, but we all know what happens to runners-up on this show. They slink off into the vortex of anonymity like shamed pregnant teens at the prom- not that the winners exactly achieve much outside of a "My Life As Tyra's Lapdog" commercial.
9. Sass + Bide? But that's, like, a real brand. A respected brand, even. A brand I like. Tyra! What have you done? You've mistakenly BOOKED A GOOD DESIGNER! That's not you! You book Payless Shoes and Sears! What the hay-ell? (I kind of miss Dionne).
10. "When I had a baby, I thought my life was over." Too bad Renee didn't win (never thought I'd say that, even though she totally did have the best commercial)- she could have put some of that money towards her child's future therapy. Trust me, he'll need it. Also, "win this for the mamas"? Dude. One episode ago you didn't even believe Natasha HAD a baby.
That's all, folks! Can't wait till next cycle...God, this will probably always be my hate-to-love-it show.
Ugly Betty...did anybody else get a sudden bad attack of "allergies" during the finale? It was so sad, y'all! HENRY! NOOO! CUTE NERD! WHY? Why did he go back with Tiny Pregnant Hippie Whore? GOD. I was totally screaming at my TV. Why don't the people in my TV ever listen to me?
But anyhow. It was a very good episode, I thought. And I'm of the opinion that Tranny Get Your Gun had kind of outlived her usefulness on the show. But still, it was great.
The Office- I TiVoed it and haven't had a chance to watch it yet. But the great thing about The Office is that it hardly ever slips, so I know I'm in for something hysterical.
Scrubs- what is there to say, really? I'm glad it's coming back next year. It's not my appointment-TV, die-if-I-miss-it show but I love it anyway.
Oh, and even though I'm sad about all my shows ending, I'm kind of gleeful about The End Of Grey's. I know, I know, it's coming back next season, but just for tonight let me dream of a world without Grey's Anatomy, a world where I am free. Everyone at school talks about it ad nauseum and really, I hate the show so much now. What happened? Did it get really bad or did I accidentally develop taste in TV?
I think it's the former- after all, I do love ANTM and all that hideous MTV crap i.e. My Super Sweet Sixteen (although I just get a kick out of laughing at the kids, if I think about it too long it hurts my head).

SIGHTINGS- Nice leather bowling bag, Girl With Leather Bowling Bag. It looked designer but I just couldn't tell. I liked it, though. Also, excellent madras shorts, Sexy Boy In Madras Shorts. See, I think you were wearing them ironically, which makes me happy. Certain things should only be worn ironically, such as madras and plaid.
Oh, and hello, All-White Pantsuit Lady Who Looked Totally Classic And Timeless In An Isabella Rossellini Way. Why can't I be you? I bet keeping that suit clean on the subway is a bitch, though.

CURRENT ATTIRE- Vintage pale pink slip dress from Cool Vintage Store, ballet flats in a shocking shade of fuchsia (I hate matching), tacky bangles, Strand Bag.

Ciao, Roma
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Happy Mothers' Day, all. To celebrate this day of motherhood and family unity and general love, I will be attending a "candlelit mother-daughter spinning class set to eighties music" with my mother. Don't look at me like that. You can't make this shit up! I know. I KNOW. What could I do? She gave birth to me. But I also bought her a lovely Williams-Sonoma potholder that I HAND-SEWED to read "The critic roams through culture, looking for prey"- Mason Cooley. Because my mother- much like myself-likes to criticize things and bake a lot. AND, I got her this lamp from Cool Vintage Store. I know, I'm a perfect daughter. So obviously now, to get my mind off my outrageous and uncharacteristic niceness, I will be posting pictures of the fabbest clothes I have seen in a long, long time, and that's including the fantastic black-onyx-bead-embroidered miniskirt at Cool Vintage Store that I've been lusting after (and hiding behind the register) for three days.

All this stuff is by my new FAVORITE designer, Basso+Brooke. Well, here, style.com says it better than I-"Who knew that Donatella Versace and John Galliano once eloped to Rio and secretly gave birth to a pair of love twins?"

This stuff is all from the 2006 line- they get much more demure after this- but I think it is my favorite collection. I mean, LOOK. Oh, the tulle and houndstooth and floaty angel-wing sleeves and crayon necklaces and big hats and oh my God, that LAST DRESS! It actually hurts my throat a little bit, that's how much I love it. Why can't I have it? Why? Why? I feel like I'm about to throw a giant screaming fit like a child in a grocery store who can't have candy.

I like to think of this as the "Daisy Buchanan on acid"collection. Everything is all cool and fringed and flapperesque and beaded and whatnot. I LOVE the first outfit- I think I would actually wear that, if I could get up the nerve- the second outfit, and the awesome shiny fourth outfit. And the third beaded dress. And the last pale yellow dress. Why do I do this? I always just end up saying I love everything, so why not just say that? Really, I'm a mystery. It always puzzles me when I say something random and people look at me inquisitively, as if they expect me to know what I mean.

It was so hard to only pick five outfits from this collection. Honestly, it was like when you're packing for a trip and resolve to be really firm and organized and not take anything you don't need and just bring a few key nice things and wear them all the time the way Frenchwomen do (although personally I don't think this theory of "capsule dressing"- you know, having like four Chanel suits and wearing them all the time- really works, because a) what if you spill, and b) how depressing would it be to put the same thing on every day? I think if you're going to do it you have to be really committed to it, and a fashion schizophrenic like myself is just not made for capsule dressing) and you end up frantic at four o'clock in the morning trying to shove your sixth pair of boots into your bag alongside the aromatherapy pillow and inflatable inner tube. But back to the clothes. I don't know what I love the most, but I do know that the first dress=perfection, the second dress...I love it, but I don't think it would look very good on me, it's still fantastic, though, the third dress- I usually hate the little collar-neck thing but here it totally works, and the geometric multicolored last minidress and the fourth shiny dress and hat are beyond the Valley of Amazing and veering into Must-Own-Them-Now territory.

So, I challenge you to tell me you didn't love at least ONE of those outfits.
In other news, people are rude and evil. I was working at Cool Vintage Store yesterday, manning the register, doing my usual thing of smiling at people when they walk in as if to imply that I am a caring and helpful staff member whilst covertly skimming through Elle underneath the table, when two of those girls you just have to hate on sight flounced in, expensive designer bags aplenty, laughing in that "We're so much better than you" way. Luckily, they weren't wearing Uggs with skirts or I would have ejected them from the store right away. But anyway, they picked out some boring jewelry and brought it up to the register, and one of the girls (we'll call her Bitch #1) asked- when I say asked, I mean rolled her eyes and demanded- that I hold her fug necklace for her at the register until she was done shopping. When people ask us to do this, we're supposed to write the person's first name on a paper bag along with the price of the object and put the object inside the bag. I asked for the girl's first name and she snottily told me, "Emma." So I observed idly, "That's my name too,". Now, when salespeople tell me things like that, I nod politely. I mean, it's not like I expect people to break into song at my extraordinary salesgirl prowess. But she was just RUDE. She flipped her stupid hair, rolled her eyes at me and GIGGLED and WHISPERED SOMETHING TO BITCH #2. I was just standing there like, "Really?" I mean, does this bitch think she has made my day by strolling into my shop and deigning to buy something? Let me remind you all that I don't even get PAID (well, except in clothes, which to me is actually better than money because if I were getting paid in money my dad would probably stop giving me an allowance and I would just end up spending the money on clothes anyway, and this way I get the best of both worlds.) Also, I am not known to be a warm and friendly person who just strikes up conversation randomly, but since I got this job I've been trying to speak politely to people, because if I'm nice to people they tend to buy things, and if they buy things my supervisor is in a good mood and therefore more inclined to let me hide stuff behind the register until I have enough money to buy it. So when I try to be polite to a customer and they treat me rudely, it enrages me.
EMMA'S LIST OF WORKING RULES
1. Don't be rude to me. If I tell you to have a nice day, I am being FACETIOUS and FALSELY POLITE and there's no need to look at me like I just told you to EAT TURDS.
2. Put your FRICKING clothes back on the FRICKING racks. Is it so hard? Clothes. Rack. Hangers. GOD.
3. If you're going to annoy me for six hours about a purchase, please buy it, or buy something, because if you don't my supervisor gets annoyed. Apparently, when people buy things we make money, and when we make money that's good for the store or something. Who knew?
4. This is a message to all the old men out there. None of whom I hope are reading this blog. Not that I'm anti-old man or anything, but...you know what I mean. STOP ASKING ME TO TRY ON NECKLACES "FOR YOUR DAUGHTER", because we have "similar measurements". NECK measurements? Ick. Stop lurking about the store telling me riddles about the sphynx and ogling me while I sort donations. It's not pleasant.
5. Every single overly Botoxed (oh my God, I just watched one of those totally hilarious Botox commercials on TV where the voiceover waxes rhapsodic about how much more joy you'll get out of life while dead-faced women dance around the screen, all wearing the exact same expression. It is my greatest dream for a bunch of Botoxed Park Avenue moms to one day throw me a surprise party. Picture it- a bunch of expressionless women shouting "SURPRISE!" in deadpan voices without so much as a crinkle crossing their foreheads) cliched New York power-walking whiny mother and their fifteen overscheduled children needs to STOP BOTHERING ME. Really, it's like they seek me out. I don't KNOW if the couch is hypoallergenic, lady, ask someone else.
6. Stop angering me. It's my JOB to be nice to you, so quit provoking me. Also, when I am on my lunch break, that is my BREAK. For LUNCH. That is not the time to accost me with questions as I try to slip out the door. Ask someone else.

THE TV BOOK & MUSIC CORNER- Furthering my love affair with Sufjan Stevens avec The Man Of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts and The Dress Looks Nice On You. The latter is my favorite song du jour. I finally finished Jane Eyre, and...I just didn't like it. I much prefer Pride + Prejudice. I was disappointed because I expected it would be amazing. I'm also sad because ALL MY SHOWS ARE ENDING FOR THE SUMMER :^( But then again, it is summer, and I am giddy, and there are reruns.

CURRENT ATTIRE- I'm trying to de-rage myself with therapeutic healing, i.e. painting my nails (by the way, the brick in the background is my fire escape. I'm sitting out here, and it's v. nice and sunny and whatnot) and eating this AMAZING cookie. The cookie doesn't look so delicious, I know, but OH MY GOD. It is crack wrapped in fudgey molten deliciousness. I mean, not literally, but they are ADDICTIVE. And there are bits of peanut butter is it, which is what those chunks are. I have to stop eating these! It's disturbing how good they are. Anyway, such activities require my light purple bohemian top with the lace edges, my Good-Butt denim knee-length shorts, and my brand-new shoes. Plus a string of chunky beads around my neck as well as my perennial amber necklace.

SIGHTINGS- Rien. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Come on, people, it's summer, let's step it up a notch.


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