Happy Mothers' Day, all. To celebrate this day of motherhood and family unity and general love, I will be attending a "candlelit mother-daughter spinning class set to eighties music" with my mother. Don't look at me like that. You can't make this shit up! I know. I KNOW. What could I do? She gave birth to me. But I also bought her a lovely Williams-Sonoma potholder that I HAND-SEWED to read "The critic roams through culture, looking for prey"- Mason Cooley. Because my mother- much like myself-likes to criticize things and bake a lot. AND, I got her this lamp from Cool Vintage Store. I know, I'm a perfect daughter. So obviously now, to get my mind off my outrageous and uncharacteristic niceness, I will be posting pictures of the fabbest clothes I have seen in a long, long time, and that's including the fantastic black-onyx-bead-embroidered miniskirt at Cool Vintage Store that I've been lusting after (and hiding behind the register) for three days.
All this stuff is by my new FAVORITE designer, Basso+Brooke. Well, here, style.com says it better than I-"Who knew that Donatella Versace and John Galliano once eloped to Rio and secretly gave birth to a pair of love twins?"
This stuff is all from the 2006 line- they get much more demure after this- but I think it is my favorite collection. I mean, LOOK. Oh, the tulle and houndstooth and floaty angel-wing sleeves and crayon necklaces and big hats and oh my God, that LAST DRESS! It actually hurts my throat a little bit, that's how much I love it. Why can't I have it? Why? Why? I feel like I'm about to throw a giant screaming fit like a child in a grocery store who can't have candy.
I like to think of this as the "Daisy Buchanan on acid"collection. Everything is all cool and fringed and flapperesque and beaded and whatnot. I LOVE the first outfit- I think I would actually wear that, if I could get up the nerve- the second outfit, and the awesome shiny fourth outfit. And the third beaded dress. And the last pale yellow dress. Why do I do this? I always just end up saying I love everything, so why not just say that? Really, I'm a mystery. It always puzzles me when I say something random and people look at me inquisitively, as if they expect me to know what I mean.
It was so hard to only pick five outfits from this collection. Honestly, it was like when you're packing for a trip and resolve to be really firm and organized and not take anything you don't need and just bring a few key nice things and wear them all the time the way Frenchwomen do (although personally I don't think this theory of "capsule dressing"- you know, having like four Chanel suits and wearing them all the time- really works, because a) what if you spill, and b) how depressing would it be to put the same thing on every day? I think if you're going to do it you have to be really committed to it, and a fashion schizophrenic like myself is just not made for capsule dressing) and you end up frantic at four o'clock in the morning trying to shove your sixth pair of boots into your bag alongside the aromatherapy pillow and inflatable inner tube. But back to the clothes. I don't know what I love the most, but I do know that the first dress=perfection, the second dress...I love it, but I don't think it would look very good on me, it's still fantastic, though, the third dress- I usually hate the little collar-neck thing but here it totally works, and the geometric multicolored last minidress and the fourth shiny dress and hat are beyond the Valley of Amazing and veering into Must-Own-Them-Now territory.
So, I challenge you to tell me you didn't love at least ONE of those outfits.
In other news, people are rude and evil. I was working at Cool Vintage Store yesterday, manning the register, doing my usual thing of smiling at people when they walk in as if to imply that I am a caring and helpful staff member whilst covertly skimming through Elle underneath the table, when two of those girls you just have to hate on sight flounced in, expensive designer bags aplenty, laughing in that "We're so much better than you" way. Luckily, they weren't wearing Uggs with skirts or I would have ejected them from the store right away. But anyway, they picked out some boring jewelry and brought it up to the register, and one of the girls (we'll call her Bitch #1) asked- when I say asked, I mean rolled her eyes and demanded- that I hold her fug necklace for her at the register until she was done shopping. When people ask us to do this, we're supposed to write the person's first name on a paper bag along with the price of the object and put the object inside the bag. I asked for the girl's first name and she snottily told me, "Emma." So I observed idly, "That's my name too,". Now, when salespeople tell me things like that, I nod politely. I mean, it's not like I expect people to break into song at my extraordinary salesgirl prowess. But she was just RUDE. She flipped her stupid hair, rolled her eyes at me and GIGGLED and WHISPERED SOMETHING TO BITCH #2. I was just standing there like, "Really?" I mean, does this bitch think she has made my day by strolling into my shop and deigning to buy something? Let me remind you all that I don't even get PAID (well, except in clothes, which to me is actually better than money because if I were getting paid in money my dad would probably stop giving me an allowance and I would just end up spending the money on clothes anyway, and this way I get the best of both worlds.) Also, I am not known to be a warm and friendly person who just strikes up conversation randomly, but since I got this job I've been trying to speak politely to people, because if I'm nice to people they tend to buy things, and if they buy things my supervisor is in a good mood and therefore more inclined to let me hide stuff behind the register until I have enough money to buy it. So when I try to be polite to a customer and they treat me rudely, it enrages me.
EMMA'S LIST OF WORKING RULES
1. Don't be rude to me. If I tell you to have a nice day, I am being FACETIOUS and FALSELY POLITE and there's no need to look at me like I just told you to EAT TURDS.
2. Put your FRICKING clothes back on the FRICKING racks. Is it so hard? Clothes. Rack. Hangers. GOD.
3. If you're going to annoy me for six hours about a purchase, please buy it, or buy something, because if you don't my supervisor gets annoyed. Apparently, when people buy things we make money, and when we make money that's good for the store or something. Who knew?
4. This is a message to all the old men out there. None of whom I hope are reading this blog. Not that I'm anti-old man or anything, but...you know what I mean. STOP ASKING ME TO TRY ON NECKLACES "FOR YOUR DAUGHTER", because we have "similar measurements". NECK measurements? Ick. Stop lurking about the store telling me riddles about the sphynx and ogling me while I sort donations. It's not pleasant.
5. Every single overly Botoxed (oh my God, I just watched one of those totally hilarious Botox commercials on TV where the voiceover waxes rhapsodic about how much more joy you'll get out of life while dead-faced women dance around the screen, all wearing the exact same expression. It is my greatest dream for a bunch of Botoxed Park Avenue moms to one day throw me a surprise party. Picture it- a bunch of expressionless women shouting "SURPRISE!" in deadpan voices without so much as a crinkle crossing their foreheads) cliched New York power-walking whiny mother and their fifteen overscheduled children needs to STOP BOTHERING ME. Really, it's like they seek me out. I don't KNOW if the couch is hypoallergenic, lady, ask someone else.
6. Stop angering me. It's my JOB to be nice to you, so quit provoking me. Also, when I am on my lunch break, that is my BREAK. For LUNCH. That is not the time to accost me with questions as I try to slip out the door. Ask someone else.
THE TV BOOK & MUSIC CORNER- Furthering my love affair with Sufjan Stevens avec The Man Of Metropolis Steals Our Hearts and The Dress Looks Nice On You. The latter is my favorite song du jour. I finally finished Jane Eyre, and...I just didn't like it. I much prefer Pride + Prejudice. I was disappointed because I expected it would be amazing. I'm also sad because ALL MY SHOWS ARE ENDING FOR THE SUMMER :^( But then again, it is summer, and I am giddy, and there are reruns.
CURRENT ATTIRE- I'm trying to de-rage myself with therapeutic healing, i.e. painting my nails (by the way, the brick in the background is my fire escape. I'm sitting out here, and it's v. nice and sunny and whatnot) and eating this AMAZING cookie. The cookie doesn't look so delicious, I know, but OH MY GOD. It is crack wrapped in fudgey molten deliciousness. I mean, not literally, but they are ADDICTIVE. And there are bits of peanut butter is it, which is what those chunks are. I have to stop eating these! It's disturbing how good they are. Anyway, such activities require my light purple bohemian top with the lace edges, my Good-Butt denim knee-length shorts, and my brand-new shoes. Plus a string of chunky beads around my neck as well as my perennial amber necklace.
SIGHTINGS- Rien. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Come on, people, it's summer, let's step it up a notch.