Correct me if I am right, but didn't I make a big emotional announcement in my last post about how much work I have to do and how I won't be posting at all for three weeks or more and I will miss all my bloggers a lot and you are very dear to me and blah, blah, blah?
And yet here I am again, rambling away?
DAMN YOU, Internet, you scandalous vixen minx, luring me back into your traps! Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in! Now I know how Michael Corleone felt.
But this isn't REALLY a post, because if I were to actually post, that would mean that I am procrastinating, when I am meant to be BUCKLING DOWN, and PULLING UP MY SOCKS, and FIRMLY HOISTING MYSELF UP BY THE BOOT STRAPS, and all that other painful-sounding stuff you're meant to do before final exams.
So don't think of this as a post, I implore you, readers. Think of it as a...a what? A schmoast? A roast? A toast? A fauxst- fake post? I've got it, a POSTLET. It is a baby post. A Melba Post, if you will. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hey, at least I make myself laugh. But really, wouldn't my posts be better if they were topped with melting cheese? Mmm, I do love me some Melba Toast.
I'm actually kind of adamantly anti-Hello Kitty. But I would make an exception for this toaster. Or at least just a baby-pink toaster. It's my dream to someday live in a house with all-pink kitchen appliances, and a gumball machine in the living room. Basically it would be Barbie's Dream House, except I would substitute Ken for Christian Bale and a team of male strippers. Or possibly Christian Bale moonlighting as a male stripper. I would call it Emma's Swingin' Bachelorette Pad. I would probably wear turbans and fluffy slippers like a washed-up diva, and watch the Home Shopping Network while eating bonbons...wait, what was I doing?
THE BEST WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING FOR EXAMS
1. Talk about toasters, and male strippers, and the Home Shopping Network on your blog.
2. Sit out on your fire escape and listen to the Beatles while eating noodles in peanut sauce and watching the sun set. Note- that picture is not my fire escape (if I tried to photograph my fire escape I would fall off and break my face), but it is a fire escape. Pretty, right?
3. TiVo Saved By The Bell. Oh, God, I'll just admit it now, shall I? And then you can all flee from my blog in horror (except Alex Richards, because she admitted she likes it too. I'M CALLING YOU ON IT, RICHARDS). I LOVE SAVED BY THE BELL. I love it. Now be quiet while I tell you WHY. Screech. Zack Morris. The Max. The gang's "confrontations" by their lockers. Principal Belding. "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!" I quote that ALL THE TIME, especially when I hug people, and none of my stupid friends get it because apparently they don't exist on daytime television. WHATEVER. Their loss. God, Tiffani (formerly known as Amber) Thiessen is annoying. NOBODY CARES HOW MANY NAMES YOU RENOUNCE, WE STILL DON'T LIKE YOU. Shut up, Kelly.
4. Read good blogs. I can't possibly list all the hilarious/interesting/fashion-savvy blogs that have been keeping me distracted, but just an example- La Vie Compliquee, Alex Richards, Crazy Eddie, The Boob Lady, Lipstick Lady, Ashcan Rantings, The Apathist, Rebel Fashion, WAT Central, The Vehement Lovely, Countrygirl_Citylife, The Fray, Blue Floppy Hat...oy, there's too many. You know what, just go to my links list and visit every single blog there. They are all awesome and have posts that make much more sense than this one.
5. Shop online for a graduation dress, even though you know you won't order anything because you had the foresight to buy a dress last summer and will realize the night before graduation that your miraculous dress has a) spaghetti stains in some very noticeable spot even though you've NEVER EVEN EATEN SPAGHETTI ON IT, so how did that even HAPPEN???!!!??? b) magically shrunk (or else I've grown. No, it shrunk. That's my story and I'm sticking to it) or c) somehow turned hideously ugly during its months of hibernation at the back of the closet and now renders you in tears just THINKING about wearing it. So you end up hauling ass at midnight to the store at which you work and have a discount, furiously screaming obscenities while you flip through the racks searching for some nice dress that won't make you look like a hooker who is with child.
Not that this sort of thing happens to me a lot.
Which sweet little Betsey Johnson dress should I blow my money on? I mean, assuming that I manage to bypass the aforementioned vicious cycle and actually purchase a dress that I like, on time.
I know they're all semi-boring, but I can't wear the sort of funky, loud, tiny vintage dress I actually want to wear to my graduation. It is a time of reflection, and self-examination, and grandparents.
^This? Picture it with pretty shoes and some funky accessories to make it less prissy. I think it could be cute if I wore it sort of ironically, like "You want me to dress up and be fancy? Fine! I'm wearing RUFFLES! In your face!"
^This? I'm worried I would look like a handkerchief, but I don't know- I kind of like it. Thoughts?
^Or this? I LOVE this dress, but I'm worried it might be too lingerie-chic for graduation.
6. Drink a lot of iced coffee, lie out in the park and attempt to get tan (er, armed with a SPF- 38473847373 bottle of sunblock. Me no likey melanomas. Besides, looking like the deep-fried biscuit that comes with the fried chicken at Mama's House Of Chicken (that is actually a real restaurant, I ate there a long time ago) is not attractive, in my opinion.
^Yes, I'm a Starbucks kind of ho.
7. Read for pleasure. No, don't throw things at me. I'm a really bad reading nerd- right now I'm feasting on Anywhere But Here, Jane Eyre, the first Bridget Jones (for the nineteenth time- that book never gets old) and I'm planning to start Homecoming by Julia Alvarez.
P.S. Did you know that Charlotte Gainsbourg played Jane Eyre in the movie?
8. Four words- Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Bueller...? Bueller...? Bueller...?
9. Incessantly painting your toenails with cheap dollar-store nail polish. By the way, don't mind the blue ink stains on my hands- my stupid pen exploded earlier.
10. Debate whether dresses like this one below
should be bought or burned. On the one hand I love it, but on the other I'm going "Is it really time for a flannel renaissance? Didn't we just bury the nineties?" I think this might be the only cute thing in flannel in existence, besides rugged, well-toned lumberjacks of course.
Anyway, now I'm off to try and (insert your own gasps of shock and horror) ACTUALLY STUDY FOR PHYSICS. Does anyone care about the periodic table of the elements, REALLY? I mean, do you think my future career, whatever it may be, will entail me having to know the atomic number of unununium? Or even what unununium is?
TV CORNER- Bye-bye, Britt Of The Mysterious Surprise Amnesia. I would be sadder if you were likable or attractive or interesting in any way whatsoever. Nata? Dionne? Renee (who is growing on me)? Jas-Queen? I'm torn, y'all.
But male models! Yum! Oh, and I must admit, Renee pulling out those photos of her son to get that job was shameless and I loved it. If you're going to do back-handed, evil things, that's the way to do them.
Did anybody watch the SUPER-SPECIAL TWO-HOUR PLEASE WATCH OUR SHOW episode of Grey's? I meant to, because it had Taye Diggs, but I went out instead. Should I start watching Grey's 2.0? Ooh, I so envy all those friends across the pond (Lipstick Lady, Maya, etc.) who are only on season 2 of Grey's and still have good Grey's times coming to them.
SIGHTINGS- There was an annoyingly whippet-thin, six-foot-tall salesgirl in Tani whose outfit I completely coveted. It was a white lacy top, navy blue knee-length vintage-looking skirt, five-inch Perspex stilettos (I wish I could do the heels thing, but it just hurts my feet too badly). It all worked a lot better than it sounds. Oh, and hello, Boy In Starbucks Wearing Heart-Shaped Glasses And A Beatles Tee That Matched My Own! I do think I love you! I don't know why the heart-shaped glasses, but they made me smile. Oh, and this woman on the street was wearing very sparkly fairy-princess Repetto ballet flats that I loved. Unfortunately, she wore them with a charcoal-gray business suit that basically made her look as mannish as the day is long. And it just looked BAD. BAD. BAD. Oh, and OH MY GOD, you guys, does anyone know where Chandra Wilson lives? Because I'm ALMOST positive I saw her at the gym. But I do that a lot- I think I see celebrities and it turns out to be some random nonfamous person. I mean, I saw her getting on the elliptical thing and I wanted to run up and go "Ohmygod ohmygod Bailey I love you Bailey I'm sorry your show sucks now Bailey I wish you had your own show Bailey and maybe McSteamy could guest star on it and not have any lines and just stand there shirtless in silence while you yell at people Bailey." She is the only thing about Grey's Anatomy that is good anymore. But it would have been really embarassing if the woman hadn't been Chandra Wilson. Okay, in my mind it was Chandra Wilson.
CURRENT ATTIRE- My pretty new cranberry-colored ballet flats, dark denim knee-length shorts, a vintage Pucci-esque silky scarf in my hair, and a very ripped-up white oxford (I replaced the plain buttons with onyx beads) over a teal lacy camisole.
Is this a good yearbook quote? "Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted- John Lennon".
If it isn't, I'm kind of buggered, because I already submitted it.