If You Can't Think Of Anything Good To Write...Do A Survey!

Writer's block is a cold cruel bitch of a mistress, isn't it?
Usually I would do my best Buck Up Little General and soldier on through the fog and do my best to churn out something halfway decent and non-redundant.
But...no.
Has it become really transparent yet that I fill out quizzes when I can't think of anything else to write about?
I mean, what? I mean...nothing.
You are getting sleepy. Very sleepy. My ideas are original.
Here goes. I'll do my best to make it as painless and amusing as possible for you.

SURVEY
1. What’s your favorite children’s book? It's a draw between Eloise and The Roald Dahl Treasury. The latter, because Roald Dahl was the first author I ever really loved; when I was five my dad gave me a big old burgundy-bound abridged copy of his stories. I pored over it for hours at a time, and I would recite whole chunks of The Twits and Matilda and The BFG until my parents probably wanted to sell me on eBay (if it had, er, existed. God, can you believe eBay and Google and even our own sweet Blogger didn't exist at one point, like, fairly recently? It makes it sound like the generation before ours were practically Austrolopithecines and had to carve their witticisms into hunks of stone with flaming pokers. By the way, there is absolutely no way that I spelled Austrolopithecines correctly. My fifth-grade Human Evolution teacher is spinning in her Talbots sweater set right now). Back to my original point. This book contains a recipe for Snozzcumbers (yum yum) and hundreds of perfect illustrations, and every time I look at it I get a cozy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just want to curl up in front of a stone fireplace somewhere in the British countryside draped in a tartan blanket, eat wine gums and read, perhaps smoking a pipe, as orange foxes and geese and sheep run around in my backyard while the sun rises.

Eloise, because...the girl is just cool. She lived in a hotel, and wrote on the walls, and she fed her turtle bonbons. She had a firm British nanny and an exotic mother who sent her fancy hats and a rocking hair bow. She's exactly the kind of quaint, brilliant kid we all knew (or wish we knew) at some point in our lives, the kind adults raise their eyebrows at and other kids want to be.
I still have both of these books on my shelf now. On either side of Catch-22, a totally important book that I will never read because I am too busy being jealous of Eloise and wishing I lived in a Roald Dahl story (in particular, the story Boy always made me want to be a young British schoolboy growing up in the 20th century, which I can tell you is generally not high on my list of day-to-day fantasies).
What a Catch-22, huh?
Or is it? Stuffed if I know.


2. What’s your favorite type of cake? Honestly? I especially like the really cheap, frantically iced kind from Gristedes in the plastic container with the colorful circles on top. You know, the uber-sugary kind where you start feeling as if your teeth are being drilled and your stomach is being stabbed with a piece of rusty metal after about three bites, but you persevere?
Like this little frosted madam right here. Mmm.

3. What is the last song you listened to? "Rose Darling" by Steely Dan. Don't judge me. I don't care if Steely Dan gargles Seth Rogen's balls- I love them. I listen to them in the car.

4. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says- “By this time Jude and I were going ‘Shhh, shhh’ out of the corners of our mouths and sinking down into our coats- after all, there is nothing so unattractive to a man as strident feminism”.

5. What are your 3 best qualities? I can be quite amusing, or so I am told (...by my mother. Shut up.) Also, I'm a pretty good friend and I make a delicious stir-fry.

6. Do you think you're a kind person? Dude. What is this blog called? Think about it, and INFER, as my science teacher would recommend (she's big on INFERRING, and likes to shout this word at us accompanied by bright and spastic hand motions, as if to inspire us to go forth and learn. We mostly just sit there blankly).

7. What color is your toothbrush? Purple. What color is your parachute?

8. Who was your first TV crush? I think it was Uncle Jesse, actually. How embarassing! Especially in light of this picture. AHAHAHAHA
Da-na! Da-na! Dude looks like a lady! Or, more accurately, dude looks uncannily like my eighth-grade gym teacher. Who was a lady, I guess, in technical terms (although there were many of us who were of the opinion that she was the possessor of...how can I put this delicately?...man parts). STILL. This makes me feel a little better about my ardent prepubescent passion for him, I guess. I also think I had a crush on Jordancatalano (remember how you always had to run his first and last names together so it became Jordancatalano?) because I guess I had a thing for "pretty boys" in my naive youth. These days, however, Jared Leto is not so much pretty boy as "Please do not suck my blood! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! Where did I leave my garlic clove?"

9. If you had to choose one celebrity couple to hang out with for the holidays, who would it be? Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, in a heartbeat. They seem like they'd be fun to go out with and make fun of everyone you know and drink delicious Christmas beverages, and I am kind of in love with both of them in separate but equal ways. This Gap ad makes me want to marry the both of them right here and now in some kind of kooky Three's Company/bigamy arrangement. Is that legal?
P.S. Speaking of Gap ads, it is a testament to my love for John Krasinki that he is still my imaginary boyfriend even though he looks like SUCH a WOMAN in his own ad. Gaaah! What the hell IS that tucked-in scarf/sweater deal? Stacy the perky new Kappa Kappa Gamma pledge wants her cowlneck back.

10. What's your all-time favorite, most-repeated movie quote? Oh, don't do this to me, you saucy little minx of a survey. Why? I am not going to be able to choose one and my brain will blow a synapse from overstimulation and I will start twitching uncontrollably and my blood will be on YOUR HANDS. Do you think you'll be HAPPY THEN? DO YOU? Fine.
I find myself using "Lick it up, baby, lick it up" a lot. My favorite is constantly fluctuating, though.
The whole confrontation between Heather Chandler and Veronica after Veronica pukes? I have, on more than one occasion, recited it in a public place (i.e. the 59th St. subway station) with my friend. I must say, there's something awfully satisfying about shouting "Nobody at Westerburg is going to let you play their reindeer games" in front of a lot of busy and harried New Yorkers who all want to shoot you in the eye. It's very cleansing. I recommend it highly.


11. What was your least favorite class in school? Oh, sweet God. Computer science. If you enjoy being so bored that you start crafting elaborate plans to impale yourself in the eye with a fork and be rushed to the hospital just to avoid the rest of the class, then by all means take it. Sorry, if any computer-science aficionadas are reading this and plotting my death. But God. You sit there, and you make SHAPES. Out of NUMBERS. And if your shape comes out wrong, everyone speaks very softly and understandingly to you as if you belong in the Special Girls' Class where they wear helmets.

12. What was the last thing that made you laugh uproariously? The postcard I brought back from Florida for my friends with a picture of a tanned, extremely toned long-haired Fabio-type male model in a Speedo reclining on a beach. We named him Fabrizio and left him secretly on our teacher's desk. Trust me, it was extremely amusing at the time.

13. If you had to choose between a million bucks or the ability to fly, which one would you choose? Is this even a question? Who wouldn't shell out a million bucks to see a FLYING GIRL?

14. Where were you when 9-11 happened? School. I remember little pockets of it, like how incongruously sunny and beautiful it was outside, like the weather was playing a cruel joke, and how they started sending kids who lived far away home early that day, and nobody knew why, and how my dad picked me up in a town car, which he’d never done before. Memory is weird.

15. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I cry for a while, crumple into fetal position, kick the machine vehemently and with blind, unbridled rage, retreat back into fetal position, seek help from a mental counselor, manage to collect my thoughts, and start to deal with what’s happened one day at a time.

16. Name three things that you have on you at all times? Hans, Roderigo and Lars. Quiet down, boys, I’m trying to fill out a survey here. Go dance in the other room- the scented oils are still in the bathroom cabinet. Frolic, Roderigo, frolic! [Ed.- when I was searching for this picture, I came across quite a lot of screensaver shots of shirtless guys. Sexy, yes, but most of them were just incredibly amusing. They all seem to be playing a little game of "You caught me putting on my pants! Oh dear! I guess I should SLOWLY BEND OVER!" with the camera. Also, more than one of them appeared to be Smell-The-Fart Modeling].

17. Can you change the oil on a car? Well, I never have. But in all honestly, probably not. That’s what I have Hans, Roderigo and Lars for. Boys, go change the oil on the car. Then convene back in the living room, and get ready to dance- I’ll go put on “It’s Raining Men.”

18. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? “Emma, you are the most stunning creature my eyes have ever beheld, your body is a temple and I want to worship at it, please let me take you out for a drink tonight- Christian Bale”.

19. Do you like to cook? I like making extremely simple and delicious food items- i.e. chocolate chip cookies, grilled cheese- because barring any smoke-alarm-setting-off incidents, they always come out well and I can dance around to Journey in my kitchen while they're cooking. I also like laboring for hours and hours and hours over a ridiculously complicated and overachieving dish that could be completely destroyed were I to add a pinch too much saffron or salt (and I always do, and the dish is always ruined and I hate myself for like a week). There is no middle ground (except for the stir fry I mentioned earlier in this little roller-coaster ride of a quiz). FYI- this lady is Paula Deen, and she has a strangely entertaining and hypnotizing cooking show that you should always watch while you have stuff in the oven or whatever, because she says things like "I wish I was an octopus so I could cook a million things at once" in an adorable Southern accent.

20. Would you rather wake up after surgery and find that they’ve accidentally given you Barbra Streisand’s nose or Dolly Parton’s breasts? Dolly Parton's breasts, for sure. I can then go to another, back-alley plastic surgeon and bewitch him with my Astrodome-sized hooters into doing a breast reduction. Voila. Plus, it might be kind of a hoot- no pun intended (well, okay, pun kind of intended) to have boobs that are roughly the size in square footage of my entire graduating class. Dolly certainly seems to enjoy it.

21. What shampoo/conditioner do you use? Herbal Essences Clairol, "Rose Hips" (doesn't that sound like a corny pickup line? Like "Hey there, Rose Hips, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind ALL day heh heh heh big dirty chuckle"). NOT the stupid new cylindrical-bottle kind, the old-school kind with the dark green top. It smells so completely good and clean that I wash my hair like eight times a day. However, it's practically the Holy Grail in terms of availability in my neighborhood, so I have to search for it for about three lifetimes at various different locations until I can find it.
I'm looking at the back of my shampoo bottle right now, and much like those perfume and wine ads that spew about 93849328432 adjectives without ever actually telling you anything, it is completely incomprehensible and amusing. I'm going to transcribe it. "Enter a world of botanical bliss and unleash the power of your naturally beautiful hair. Embracing you like a meadow of fresh flowers, this luxurious shampoo, blended with 100% organic botanicals and essence of coconut and palm oils, will take your hair to a place it's never been before. Deeply quenched, radiantly restored and naturally flowing." Who writes those little blurbs? And how do I get that job? Let me tell you that tomorrow, if a gorgeous guy does not sit next to me on the bus, take a whiff of my newly quenched locks and promptly blurt "My God, your hair is like a MEADOW of FRESH FLOWERS. RUN AWAY WITH ME," I will be suing Herbal Essences for all they're worth.

22. What are you wearing? A barrel. It's very slimming.

23. What kind of bear is best? BLACK BEAR. [Ed.- the actual question was something stupid like "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" so I changed it. IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE, JIM. MILLIONS OF FAMILIES SUFFER EVERY YEAR.]

24. What do you think of this quiz? I know what you're doing. You're seeking my approval by asking me semi-veiled question meant to hide your own innate insecurity. Shhh, shhh. It's okay to doubt yourself sometimes, Survey. But you have to love yourself from within and nothing I say can help you on that journey of self-love. Okay?

25. What’s the last book you finished? I actually just finished Lolita for the first time over Thanksgiving. I spent my Thanksgiving in Orlando, Florida (don't ask. Just don't ask. It was pretty great, though; lots of sun and IHOPS and Tony Roma's), and I tend to carry a book in my bag and whip it out when I'm bored, so I guess I must have looked like a New Yorker cartoon or something- sullen Manhattanite in black reading Nabokov in line for Splash Mountain at Disneyworld. My aunt took many pictures, and actually captioned most of them as "Sullen teen reading Nabokov at Disneyworld and hating her family- HOW ORIGINAL. GO SLAM A DOOR" on Facebook. Gotta love that.

26. What fictional character is most like you? Oh, this is a tough one. I'm going to have to really craft my response. Okay, here goes. In terms of my writing persona, I like to think I'm a strange hybrid of Kelly Kapoor (MINDY KALING SHOUTOUT. I was actually typing a first draft of this post that basically went "Mindy Kaling is sooo cool and I wish we were friends and I really like her blog and makeup and stickers and ponies and Myspace.com!", but luckily, Winona already talked about Mindy's bad-ass-ness in a much more coherent and interesting fashion, so you're all spared the agony. Suffice it to say that she's a whole lot of awesome), Liz Lemon and Georgia Nicolson. I got the Kelly Kapoor/Liz Lemon thing from some writer at TWoP, so don't flame me with righteous anger for stealing. It just works really well in my case too. Oh, and throw in some extra crazy/ranting/where was I-ness as well and serve on a platter of Nutbag with some curly fries on the side. Wait, some of those things are not fictional characters. Oh, I don't care.
ME

27. Do you like to dance? "If anyone ever saw me dance, they’d have trouble taking me seriously”- Christina Ricci. That said, yes, I do like to dance, but only when nobody is watching. And I don’t mean “dance like nobody’s watching even though you secretly know that everyone IS watching and is in awe of you.” I do sometimes dance in my room though. Shut up. I can dance if I want to, I can leave my friends behind, ‘cause my friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance then they’re no friends of mine.

28. What did you have for dinner LAST NIGHT?
 STEAK AND RICE! WHY ARE WE YELLING?

29. What’s your favorite painting?

30. If you could have any hair in the world, what kind would you want? Long, shining red curls, please, the really pretty ringletted kind. When I was a kid there was a girl in the Betsy-Tacy books (it might have been Tacy, come to think of it) who had this kind of hair, and whenever they described it I was always so jealous. Especially since my own hair looked like a mushroom cap.

FILL THIS OUT. Please do. Come on, just do it.

MUSINGS- I think Ashlee Simpson might be in the Witness Protection Program. Seriously, I got CosmoGirl in the mail today (look, I had a subscription to Ellegirl, okay? And then when it ceased publication, they started sending me CosmoGirl instead, and I didn't want to make the effort required to stop the arrival of the CosmoGirls, so month after month they come to my door and I sneer at them for a minute or two and then they're instantly sucked up by the old-catalog-and-magazine vortex that is my bedroom floor), and she was on the cover- I think. I say that because were it not for the enormous "ASHLEE-PLEASE CARE ABOUT HER!" headline, I would have absolutely no idea who she was. I mean, Jesus. This girl bears absolutely no resemblance to the Ashlee we were forced to tolerate for so long. Like, not even a little. She's not unattractive, but WHO THE HELL IS SHE? Is this her plan, to simply morph her face and hair whenever she realizes that the world is increasingly tired of her raspy little schtick? Which face is next? Jessica- Part Two? Marge Simpson? Sidney Poitier, for God's sake? "Cosmogirl Christmas Issue 2008 Exclusive- Ashlee's New, New Look!"

THE TV AND MUSIC CORNER- Oh, writers' strike, why? I mean, I get it, and I totally support you all, but...oye. How am I supposed to get through the holiday season without Very Special Christmas Episodes? EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE WINTER HOLIDAY EPISODES ARE THE BEST ONES, BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS ALL PROMISCUOUS AND DRAMATIC AND DRUNK ON EGGNOG AND THERE IS MUCH SHENANIGAN-ING AND TOMFOOLERY TO BE FOUND. Why must we be deprived of watching this joy unfold?
If you haven't watched Arrested Development yet, why are you reading this? Go. Go now. There's not going to be anything new on for some time, it looks like, so it's the perfect opportunity to hang out with the Bluths. Dangling my final carrot here- Liza Minelli totally guest-stars. That's all, folks. Enjoy.

SIGHTINGS- Florida was like one big massacre for my retinas. Leggings and fanny packs as far as the eye could see. There were some stylin' old dudes in pork pie hats, though, as well as some amusing Baptists on retreat with whom I shared a hot tub and a whole mess of hilarious old Jewish ladies in the hotel elevators who kept clucking at my hair. Really, they did.

CURRENT ATTIRE- A barrel. Didn't we already discuss this?

Bye, kids. Enjoy this ridiculously long post (I hope you do!)
-Emma