Thursday, December 13, 2007

If These (Male) Models Could Talk...


"Oh my God. Oh, GOD. Am I seriously doing this? Is this really happening? As if all my friends weren't giving me ENOUGH shit for trying to make it as a male model. Am I seriously posing in a belly shirt? I look like an Arizona Wildcats cheerleader. Okay, shhh, calm down, Greg, it's not that bad. Just...pick a spot on the wall and focus on it. Oh my God, when I go home for Christmas my brothers are NEVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THIS DOWN. I feel faint. HOW AM I EVER GOING TO GET ANOTHER WOMAN TO SLEEP WITH ME AFTER THIS? You can see my BELLY BUTTON. Jesus, I understand now what it's like for all those poor objectified girls who have to pose in bikinis. When I get out of this hell-hole, I'm going to burn all my porn and subscribe to Ms. Magazine. Oh, GOD. I cannot believe this. I look like I borrowed this shirt from Paris Hilton's DOG. I look like a contestant in The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search. I may pass out. Is that the floor? *THUD*"

"WHAT? What is your problem, dude? You think I look gay? You think THIS is gay? You wouldn't know gay if it stabbed you in the arm, BITCH. You ain't even SEEN gay. I will BRING THE GAY." "WHAT NOW, BITCH? Yeah, it's a V-NECK SHORTIE ROBE. You know who wears these? CLASSY LADY HOOKERS ON PARK AVENUE. And ME. I am representin' right now. Shit, man, I know you're jealous of my slender thighs and smooth chest. Who WOULDN'T be? Look at this hot-ass tat. LOOK AT THESE PUFFED SLEEVES, BITCH. ARE YOU LOOKING? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LOOKING. YOU WANT I SHOULD CALL MY BOYZ?"

"Ah, bliss. Another day of just me and my manly, chiseled jaw out on the town. This espresso is simply exquisite. I think I will just let it linger here in front of my perfectly sized nostrils for a few moments to bring my nose to the highest level of olfactory ecstasy. My GOD, I'm smooth and handsome. My hair is like a buttered biscuit and even my cuticles scream with the passionate voice of l'amour. Oh, how flattered I was yesterday on the street when I passed that group of schoolchildren and they ran away screaming "THEY'VE COME TO LIFE! THE MANNEQUINS HAVE COME TO LIFE! SOMEBODY HELP!" Is there any higher earthly praise? I think not. Good Lord above, I'm jawdropping. As soon as I finish this coffee, I shall go buy a quill and some ink- my love for myself is the sort which must be forever preserved in the eternal beauty of a sonnet."

"MY HANDS WEREN'T IN MY PANTS. Jesus. The world is so cruel to me, you know? Just because I occasionally like to lug dead bodies to alleyways and stick them in dumpsters doesn't make me some kind of MENACE TO SOCIETY. What was it that cop was muttering about when she was stuffing me in the backseat of the squad car? Something about "Makes Kevin Federline look like Humphrey Bogart...pathetic pube 'stache...poor man's B.J. Novak..." blah blah blah. Them bitches, they never shut up, do they? Jesus, I wish this stupid mug shot was over with already. How the hell am I going to duck out of jail time? I KNOW! I'll win over the jury with my MUSICAL TALENTS." "I feel pretty! Oh, so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and briiight...and I pity, any convicted-felon-facing-five-to-ten-years-with-possible-time-off-for-good-behavior who isn't me toniiight!"

"DUUUUUUDE! Whazzap, my brotha? It has been TOOO LONG, man. TOOO LONG. Yeah, nothing's new with me; just, you know, playin' the FIELD, my man. I got the hos lined UP for a taste, know what I'm saying? Yeah, man, I got this sweet-ass gig at my dad's law firm, you know how I roll...drivin' the BMW, smoking up and getting WASTED, just like in college. Yeah, man, those were crazy-ass times.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHO IS THIS? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
IT'S JARED, MAN! We were FRAT BROTHAZ at Duke! C'mon, man! What the hell? We hung out ALL THE TIME, man! Hittin' the TIZZOWN, BAMF-style!
What do you mean, you HAVE TO GO?
Oh, okay, what's that you say, you're in a tunnel? Yeah, man, tunnels can lick my...
HELLO?
Okay, man, catch up with ya later, then. PEACE, HOMEZ."

"Oh, my, look what's happened. Somehow, inadvertently, I seem to have wandered out into the garden in only my tight-fitting, ass-hugging board shorts. What a terrible coincidence! Well, I guess since I'm out here and all, we might as well admire my splendid areolae. Those things are GOOD. I mean, come on. Look at the PECS. Suck it, DAVID. Yeah, I wonder which one of us is more ripped? Hey, let's ask the audience. GUESS WHAT, DAVID, IT'S ME. YOU GONNA CRY ABOUT IT? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an Abercrombie ad to shoot and then I have some fat girls to ignore at the mall. Time is money, Dave."

"Hi, ladies. My name is Mario. I drive a monster Harley and I like steak dinners and pomade. I'm looking for a lady with a refined taste in dudes, who loves romantic candlelight beach dinners and hardcore S+M. This shirt right here? One of my favorites. I think it says that I'm a caring and sensitive individual who likes women in bunny ears with huge breasts. What's that you say? You want a closer look at the goods? It's okay, all the girls do. You like? Of course you do, you are only human. My role models are Hugh Hefner, Fonzie and, of course, that dude who made the sex tape with Paris Hilton. Mad props. My forearms are sinewy, my cheekbones are pronounced and I can go all night. So call 1800-HUNK to talk to me now! Big girls need not apply. Actually, scratch that. I like a whole 'lotta woman."

"Sigh. Jesus, I'm so tired right now. I was out all night last night doing hipster stuff- you know, shoplifting skinny jeans, leaning against chain-link fences in headscarves waiting for my picture to be taken, graffiti-ing obscure references from every poorly reviewed art-house classic ever made all over town, all that sort of thing. This isn't even my shirt, is it? This shirt belongs to some chick. Some chick left this at my house and then I put it on and came here. At least my chest hair is nice and patchy, like an enchanted forest of hipsterdom. Oh my God, how much longer am I going to have to stand here? I have to go to lunch with Cory Kennedy in an hour. We're having a competition to see who can go the longest without bathing. She's totally beating the pants off me. It's embarassing. Watch it, Kennedy. I will take you OUT. I just have to finish up here first. Okay, I guess I should grimace in barely contained agony at some point. Maybe I'll land a cologne account. That could be kind of sweet, if it was, like, a super-ironic cologne account. Irony is the new dreadlocks. I love cocaine. Somebody call Cory, tell her I'm going to be late."

"Oh, YEAH! I am looking FLY. Future MBAs of America, in the hizzy! This sweatervest is pimp. In fact, I think this whole Brooks Brothers spit-shined thing is completely working. I am going to out-Duck-Duck-Goose the other kids to the millionth factor. I fully expect to take over the family company by sixth grade, at the latest. I am going to divide and conquer with this new look. If I play my cards right this year in the third grade, this could be my future. God, if only."

And now, for a new feature I like to call- Heh! As in, "Heh! That's incredibly odd/amusing/thought-provoking. I can't believe that exists. Wacky!". Or, "Heh! That guy in the apartment across from mine is wearing a lampshade on his head! Oh, those drunken neighbors and their hijinks...Wait...wait...now he's climbing on top of his kitchen table and performing a choreographed dance routine to "It's Not Right But It's Okay." Oh. Oh, dear. I should not have seen that."
Or, you know, something normal. Wherever your mind happens to go when you hear the word "Heh!"
Without further ado, I present to you this week's Heh.Yes. That is correct. Your eyes do not deceive you. It is a gigantic crocheted hamburger dress. All I know is, somewhere out there the Hamburglar is totally aroused and doesn't know why.

THE MOVIE, MUSIC, TV & BOOK CORNER- So, I think it's been pretty well affirmed that a) I am a snob and b) I have innate bad taste in almost everything, which I usually manage to suppress in polite company. Therefore, it is a secret I will be taking to my grave (and sharing with, er, everyone who reads this blog) that I sometimes (often) listen to the song "Chelsea" by Stefy in my room and bob my head poetically (dance like a wild biscuit). Listen, it is the most atrocious song ever. Case in point- it was apparently used in the movie John Tucker Must Die, which looked so bad and embarrassing to all parties involved that I didn't even see it. Still, I don't know what it is. Maybe when we were all Early Humans we did instinctual Rain Dances in packs or whatever and now whenever we hear a certain beat, no matter how atrocious the song is, we must dance. All I'm saying is that if you listen to this song, you will be Lost In The Catchiness. You have been warned.
All right, just so you don't all completely disown me for Lack Of Taste, I've also been listening to Regina Spektor's "Braille." Somebody (and I've been reading back through old posts trying to figure out who for the last three hours, but I CANNOT FIND THE COMMENT AND IT IS DRIVING ME BONKERS) once commented here asking me what my favorite Regina Spektor song is. It fluctuates constantly, but right now it's Braille (and you have no idea how long I've been waiting for someone to ask me that). It kind of gives me shivers. Thanks for asking, Anonymous Amazing Person!
Movie-wise...Jesus. I don't actually think I can handle the Sex and the City movie. I, like every other double-X-chromosome in the universe, have seen every episode of SATC, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hurt Carrie Bradshaw. I'm not going to say anything about how she looks like a foot, because I think Sarah Jessica Parker is probably a nice lady. But I hate Carrie too much to pay eleven dollars to look at her for two hours.
Get ready for me slinking back and admitting that I saw it two months from now. But for now, the official party line is "I Don't Want To See It, Ever."
Book-wise, I have two papers due this week and and a test to study for, so naturally I've been doing a lot of Reading For Pleasure. I just finished Memoirs of a Geisha, which was fantastic, and now I am secretly allowing myself to work backwards through the Harry Potter books because I can't sleep and God this is so totally embarrassing. Wow, I...I am saying a lot of things.
As another part of my Master Study Plan, I've been spending a lot of time on the "Are You That Person Who Bugs Everyone With 30 Rock Quotes?" thread over at TWoP. And, yeah, I am that person.
It's after six, what am I, a farmer?

SIGHTINGS- Well, like every other good American in the world, I was watching Gossip Girl, sighing over Rufus Humphrey (the always-awesome Molly just mentioned on her blog that he is, as the kids say, super-majorly-extremely-finger-lickin'-good-hot. Well, I think she used more normal words. But...word, Molly) the other week and trying to figure out the best way to silence Dan (SHUT UP, Dan. I don't find you cute, like, at all. You're even worse than Chuck "Large-Mouth" Bass and Nate "I'm A Pretty Little Girl" Archibald, because if you at least squint really hard they're attractive(ish) and Chuck is hilarious. You? You're just ANNOYING. Why don't you just take your "AWESOME" friend VANESSA and go sublet a loft in AWESOME-OPOLIS?) when I noticed that the dress our girl Blair was trotting around in was none other than the bitchin' Marc Jacobs I professed my love for here just a few short months ago. You know. This one. You see, I am like a prophet for our modern times. Perhaps I should invest in some stone tablets. And a beard. Yes, a beard.
I also saw a woman on the subway with the most intense weave I've ever seen in my life. I'm mentioning it here because I feel I need to transcribe it so that I Never Forget. It was half strawberry-pink, half bleach-blonde, with dark roots. It curled slightly at the temples, then graduated into a stick-straight thing down to the ends. It was...kind of magnificent, to be honest. I can't even do it justice within the confines of the written word. I would need to do a watercolor of it or something.
Oh, and to the four-hundred-odd people trawling New York City clad in Ugg boots? Look, I get it, I do. I've been kind of sort of maybe wearing my own fleecy fuzzy sheep-y wonderfully warm pair lately too, because they feel like a kind gentle hug for my feet and they are pretty much the embodiment of all that is good and true and I LOVE THEM, OKAY? GOD, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR? I AM OFFICIALLY COMING OUT AS AN UGG-WEARER. I LOVE MY DEAD GAY UGGS.
However.
If you are wearing special studded/adorned Uggs, I will scoff at you. I'm sorry, I have to. I'm having enough trouble dealing with colored Uggs right now. Look, Uggs are supposed to be a necessary evil, like tax-paying. You don't DRESS THEM UP with jewels and studs. It's like if you had an extra alien head sprouting out of your stomach. Maybe you wouldn't want to remove the head, because let's say the head is really comfortable and keeps you warm in horrible Arctic polar bear conditions or something. But you don't need to go sticking, say, a hat and a bunch of pearls on the head. Just...leave it be.
Do you all see my point? Let's recap.
SATAN.

Current Attire- Jeans, cute navy three-quarter-length-sleeve top, funky dangly necklace and my sparkly shoes. This is legitimately one of my favorite outfits ever. I also have my big purple Uniqlo jacket to top it all off with. It makes me look like a grape/Teletubby hybrid, and I love it.

My next post will probably involve all the things I'm craving for Christmas, like these
Mary Green underpants. God, so pretty!

Auf Wiedersehen, lovely readers.

198 comments:

Heather said...

hahah! The second one reminds me of a fight my drunk boyfriend and his best friend intercepted the other night, where a guy very like the second photo--except imagine him struck by lightning with a completely white eyebrow--got all "You think I'm gay?" and got his tooth knocked out.

Curiosity Killer said...

'As soon as I finish this coffee, I shall go buy a quill and some ink- my love for myself is the sort which must be forever preserved in the eternal beauty of a sonnet.'

I was on the floor laughing my ass off.

Still giggling.

LADY said...

And as someone who has dated a male "I swear I am not gay! But lemme make out with that guy in the Gucci ad just to be sure..." model....you are my new hero.

And I also recently had to admit that I do indeed love my boring basic Uggs....I feel a bit better knowing you had to make the same realization as well.

When are we hanging out?

Bojana said...

In respond to your comment : I know, I'm awesome :)

BUT YOU. you dear, are exponentially awesome.

Seriously, where the hell do you get all that from?? I admire you.

molly said...

yesss for once im not your 44th comment, i am in the top ten, presuming a bunch more people dont comment while im writing this!

i can never imagine an orgasm greater than reading you mentioning me in your blog (ok, maybe a couple orgasms greater, but they involve arctic monkeys, mick jagger, etc.)

this post was hilarious and brilliant!

Blue Floppy Hat said...

Oh, Emma, there aren't words that would do this post justice (mostly cause I spent my day tapping out obscenely long comments elsewhere)-but oh great God, the hamburger dress? Go Fug Yourself would have a field day.
I'm kind of hooked to Gossip Girl too (much more guiltily, since I'm a fair bit older than you). And every week I end up thinking, why ON EARTH does Nate have to look like something out of a boyband? I can't believe Blair hung on to him for so long. And Dan, at least as far as I've got in the episode arc, is getting annoying.
The underpants are adorable- I'd totally love me some frilly knickers right now, to prance around in like Cameron Diaz (if I had her butt, that is).
And that sweatervest belongs on Ugly Betty's Henry. Is it weird that I think he's hotter than all the boys on Gossip Girl put together? You know if they took Leighton Meester out of that show, it'd die faster than...something really dead.

selinaoolala said...

seriously i just laughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughandlaughand you get the point. where you find such cool phrases i do not know but it is indeed bare hilare. i'm loving the coffee guy with the jaw of god

Secret Agent said...

Hey! Thanks for stopping by and linking me. Woot!
Mannn, I love your "Hipster" model. That was good. The first one was good too. Paris Hilton's dog haha.
Don't be hating on colored UGGS, embrace it. You probably have a pair in your closet, don't you?
How do you write these gigantic posts? Does it take you days?! My entries take me around 2-3 hours and that's from just writing, proof-reading, gathering/editing pictures, formatting. God, I'm slow.
We should all get together, put on UGGS, blog and sing along to Crank Dat. Don't be jockin, now!

pinkmilk said...

Tremendous and hilarious. Mr Chisel-jaw-butter-hair cracked me up which is no mean feat given how completely lifeless and in need of a rest I am. Will endeavour to add some more words and amusement to my blog when I can think of things other than meetings, wrapping paper, meetings, Christmas cards and meetings. Oh and when I go home for Christmas xx

Eli said...

who ever styles the American Apparel shoots, thinks that they guys want to dress like the girls

Miu Miu's Atelier said...

I loved this male model post even more than the female model post...it made me laugh so loud at my computer screen that my housekeeper just stared at me and started praying when she passed...there is something about Gossip Girl that has everyone addicted

Hayley said...

As an Australian, I would like to apologise on behalf of my nation for inflicting uggs upon the world. We are truly sorry.

And oh goodness, chiseled-jaw mannequin man - that's pure gold! I don't know how you come up with this stuff, but I am sure am glad that you do!

Teresa said...

I mean girls don't even wear cropped tees now, let alone guys. And pink tank top god hahahahahahaha American Apparel is such a laugh.

Sister Libby said...

Brilliant. The post was so good, it put me in a good mood while I was watching a CSI about dog fights. I admire anyone who can make a dog-fight/murder saga seem extrordinarily dull.

Brian Mandabach said...

God, Emma. You're killing me. I had to quit reading what the models were saying and just skip to what you were wearing because I had to stop laughing. I love you.

coco said...

Male models are strange
they always look like they can't even speak, they are just kind of there

dancer*dust said...

what you wrote about the one with the coffee made me laugh so much, because the more i look at him, the more i start to believe that he could actually be saying those things.

why are you so good at this?

alexgirl said...

that hamburger dress is insane. Beyond insane. I am speechless.

And I love your UGGS tyrade. I love my dead gay uggs too, but i'm loath to admit it.

Yay for Chuck Bass! He's creepy and smarmy and horrid, and I LOVE him! He brings that show from a 6 to an 8.

Can't wait to see your Xmas wish list post. I'm working on mine too!

A said...

oh the hilarity. wow, i've kind of lost the ability to be funny. school is really taking everything out of me.
oh god.
well at least you haven't lost the ability too be funny, joy to the world!

Linda said...

hahaha I like the added monologues of the male models, that hamburger dress is kind of cool? where is it from?

Greta said...

I think I just crapped my pants from laughing so hard.

KiKi said...

I'm sorry but blinged and bejeweled Uggs are not as bag as that $300 pair that look like the person wearing them skinned pink panther a girl at school came in with them and it looked like she belonged in the looney bin just for wearing them and they were worn with gasp! a short sluttish skirt.

HLW said...

I'm sitting in bed and snorting out loud from that one.... thanks Emma you are AWESOME!

From Lily With Love said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Christine said...

um, I have to admit that I like uggs too. And I can totally relate to that alien-coming-out-of-my-stomach dilemma. totally.

Belle said...

lol the hamburger dress is almost as good as the skirts that "turn into" vending machines.
Tee hee the male model thoughts were amazing

Jen (MahaloFashion.Com) said...

Thanks for making me laugh so much emma, love the belly bearing model the best hahhaha!

MENTAL (Sage) said...

This post is funny! and studded UGGs are hideous!

-ciao bella- said...

hahahahahhahahahhhahhahahah

i love this post!!! that was just absolutely incredibly brilliant. this pretty much just made my day

Alexa said...

you are hilarious. that is all i have to say. au revoir.

CountryGirl_CityLife said...

I actually shed a tear. The purple shirt model is hot, though. He can some stay with me and feed me ooey gooey cheesy pizza. He can also ff through the commercials on my DVR, because yes, I am that lazy.

ashley said...

hahhahahaahahahaha.
hahahahaaaaa, oh man oh man. the male models are hilarious.

pins&needles said...

I agree with the Uggs. They shouldn't be multicolored, flare-sporting shoes. Stick with the classic.

WAT said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Eritia said...

haha
i love your if models could talk posts! hilarious

Braille by regina spektor is amazing

Carla Dionisio said...

Perhaps the best enfeite of Christmas is a big smile
Http://materialbijuteria.blogspot.com/
Http://www.bijuteriacata.blogspot.com/
BijuteriaCata want a large and happy Christmas.
I have everything in promoção.

jen said...

Ha, I go around saying "what am I, a farmer?" all the time, except no one ever understands me, cos nobody in Oz has ever seen 30 Rock... but our vague bloggy affinity makes me feel better about it all

mushroommeadows said...

That v-neck robe is a bit weird...yikes.

alexgirl said...

I just saw a Martini Dress somewhere online that totally would have gone great with your hamburger dress.... Halloween next year? Think about it.

alluretone said...

oh wow you have the most unusual, entertaining posts. it really must be awkward being a male model.. horrible clothes though.

daddylikeyblog said...

Oooohhh my purple uggs! Buuuurrnnn! Apparently I'm into verbs today.

molly said...

NO WAY!
we are going to have to duke it out for the job
oh ok, we can share
you can take jamie-lynns little one(s? twins, perchance? ONLY IF WE PRAY HARD ENOUGH!)
ill cover little sean preston and jayden james
and then we can hang out at family get togethers

lalaliu said...

you are a riot.

-S said...

firstly, i completely love your blogging. secondly, i do not know a sinlge man who would wear a belly shirt. wrong. just. utterly wrong.

Q said...

Uggs = nasty ass shoes that only looks good when compared with... RUBBER CROCS.

Ugh. This is disturbing.

C-money said...

I have bunny rabbit fur on my Ugg boots that I skinned myself...just kidding. My Uggs are quite a normal color.

Iheartfashion said...

Hahahahahahaha...you have read the minds of the male models. You are clairvoyant!

A. said...

THANK YOU times a gazillion and thirty. That helps me very very much (did i phase that sentence correctly? I don't think so. Ahh well, we can both be gramatically incorrect, then...). GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't wait!

A. said...

and YES I am book nerd. I'm such a book nerd that my pants just raise themselves to my ribcage. I get this odd sense of peace whenever I walk into my local Borders and I could spend hours just browsing. A bookstore is one of my favorite places in the world.

molly said...

yess, we shall take those children under our wings, lord knows they'll need it.
we'll dress them in the latest (and classiest) in toddler couture, and definitely be exposing them to some great music.
lullaby of choice? should we go with "flourescent adolescent" or "leave before the lights come on"?

have a holly jolly christmas!

Regina and Renee said...

Fabulous post. As usual!!! Thanks for the comment too!!!

xoxo
Regina

Cool Urbanite. said...

What a funny pose. And by some of the male models it just looks so real what you are writing about them!

Love the first one and the guy on the telephone, just hilarious! :D

Diana @ So Fash'on said...

are these all models??? OMG!

indie said...

Thanks for this post, it made my day!

And guess what? Braille is my absolute favourite Regina Spektor song too! It makes me cry. I want to see her live again.

ps. GG <3

Sunniva said...

FANTASTIC post!! My stomach hurts after laughing so much (I am still laughing as I am writing this!) and now I am a bit (or a lot since I have been laughing at least 10 minutes without stopping) closer to a sixpack. So when I get a model body (in my dreams ;p) I owe some of it to you !

You are so brilliant and talented my dear!!

C K said...

I would love to invite you to come over and help me naming my new online character - she's my new baby, and I'll love to just introduce you to her! Come on by!

p.s. Happy New Year!

Hannah Danger said...

Girl, this the funniest post ever!

And MAN I hella love Regina Spektor... though I'm thinking Hotel Song is my current fav =]

Lynn said...

That was hilarious & awesome. :] I can't believe there is such a thing as a hamburger dress & not just for Halloween.

A. said...

I was going to ask you about the Uggs but then I saw your post. But I'll say this anyway.

OH. MY. GOD. WHAT IS WITH ALL THE UGGS IN NEW YORK???????? I've never seen a trend this out-of-control, ever. Every time I saw them (which was honestly on 90% of teenage girls), I went "UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" really loud. I don't think anyone got it. My sister kept going, "What?? What???" and I had to explain over and over what I was doing.

I'm going to do a post about your lovely city later this week.

WendyB said...

LOL @ "I will BRING THE GAY!"

hannah said...

thats hilarious. i always think it is so funny what the american apparel guys are wearing, so femme sometimes.

xoxo

Nicola's Vintage Boutique said...

Im so glad you agree about uggs!
especially the coloured ones..

there is no doubt they will be on one of those 'bad fashion flashback' shows in 10 years

selinaoolala said...

you've been tagged by me! see the blog for details...

alexgirl said...

Happy New Year, Emma!!!
Hope you have a rockin' 2008.

The Narcist said...

i love the "future MBAs of america" model he was adorable in his bitchen sweater vest. i really believe he'll suceed in his hostile takeover of the family buisness by the sixth grade.

i too lust for rufus, but i do not share your disdain for dan humphrey. i definetely hate sabrina though. i'm still working on my reason why, part of it might have to do with the way she talks. it's weird, it sounds like she needs to swallow her saliva, it creeps me out!

i've said enough, good day!

The Narcist said...

i've just realized that i misspelled "bitchen" please forgive me for my wackness and anyother wackness i may display in the future (such as using wackness twice, well actually thrice in a comment)

Cris Lazoru said...

Oh my God! What is up with that hamburger dress! Funny fun post,

C.

riz said...

Happy New Year Emma! Can't wait for you to bless us all with your hilarity once again...

Hope you had a wonderful holiday...

Gloria said...

oh my god. i feel so bad for those men! I already have a hard time dealing with men in skinny hugging jeans.

ben said...

who can possibly write all that about nothing!?

wow! i wish i was you.

Dilemma said...

That hamburger dress looks familiar(that was painful to type). Didn't Jeremy Scott do something like that a few seasons ago?

Oh, and I LOATHE LOATHE LOATHE Dan Humphrey. Actually, I hate Serena too. I kind of love Chuck since he's so bitchy and Voldemort-like. How CRAZY was Serena's mom for choosing a dog like Bart Bass(that is his name, yes?) over my darling Rufus, who I may or may not have had an inappropriate dream about a few nights ago. Really, it all goes back to Serena and Dan. They irk me to no end and I hope that Blair stabs them all to death with a stiletto. And I'm done.

dusk&summer said...

this was hilarious

Ana said...

I have pretty pink ugggs with happy unicorns embroderied on them.

Mash said...

happy belated new year 2008 lovely :)
I hate uggs it's horrible blehhhhhhh :( and I LOVE regina &hearts
hope you're fine :)

Lapa said...

you are still gone

Soul Tanggg said...

HAHAHAHAH! AMAZING POST!!

Jen (MahaloFashion) said...

2008 FASHION BLOGGER AWARDS ARE HAPPENING, PLEASE FILL OUT THE NOMINATION FORM @MAHALOFASHION.COM

Thanks,

Jen

Mer said...

hahaha! That was fun!!!
I hope you have a great 2008!!

Greetings from Barcelona!

Carolina Lange said...

I love your posts, they are allways so funny! This one is brilliant!

molly said...

i was reading all my old posts and comments from a year ago and remembering all our hilarious comments exchanged
i doth misseth you
see, im even using shakespeare speak to try to woo you back

bigglassesgirl said...

I keep checking for new posts, and am shattered that there's none

Miss J. said...

This is just fab! I love you!

Charlie said...

Oh my sweet Jesus. I was awakened by my excessive indulgence in alcohol last night and reminded that a friend and I had a bet about who said "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit here by me." (She says Dorothy Parker, I say Alice Roosevelt.) So I googled the quote and your blog appeared.

In any case, it is one of the funniest bloody things I have read in a long, long time. Clearly, I need to step it up with my own: http://whereischarlie.blogspot.com/. (Although there is a funny one about FedEx/Kinko's in there.) Check it out and let me know what you think.

--Charlie

fashionista said...

EMMAAAA
come back to blogger.
if you take another two month hiatus, i think i will come down with some sort of disease.

Jo said...

Hysterical...I can only imagine what you're like when you're feeling chatty. Uggs are awful, I'd rather wear tube socks.

maya said...

this is hilarious. What kind of man wears belly top in real life?
Laos the knickers are very very pretty.

Allecra&Sage said...

too many funny spots to highlight !!

This Girl said...

Love love love the male model comments.

I've never seen a single episode, minute, second of SATC, so we now have further proof that in many ways I am special needs, have failing X-chromosomes or am subversive in the face of popular culture. I don't think that last bit made sense but I'm in a wasteland so all is good.

I am a slave to Mary Green skivvies.

sara said...

Oh my gosh, I love it when you do these, - so funny!

x sara o

molly said...

sigh, its been over a month
just a baby post, letting us know youre safe?
i WORRY, you know!
with you out there in the big old bad apple
you could be lying dead in an alley for all i know!

The Little Things in Life said...

What's happened to you, you haven't posted in a while. I’ve just updated my blog, changed the format, updated my links etc. I’ve added a link to your blog too. I’ve got some new posts coming in the next few days too so take a look!

Bojana said...

come back, please?

Molly ;) said...

I loveee your posts.
Its not often i will read an entire post, but yours are always hilarious.

Viva Las Divas said...

COME BACK

Fungus said...

iiiii sooooo love the hamburger dress!

Fungus said...

iiiii sooooo love the hamburger dress!

Elisabeth said...

Hahahaha

Jen (MahaloFashion) said...

I couldn't find your email...

--------------------------------


Congrats, FASHION BLOGGER AWARDS!

OFFICIAL SITE Http://Mahalofashion.com/Awards.html
VOTING: http://mahalofashion.blogspot.com/2008/02/fashion-blogger-awards-2008.html
FULL LIST OF NOMINEES: http://mahalofashion.blogspot.com/2008/02/fba.html

Jen

Http://mahalofashion.com

Amber said...

Its been so long since you've blogged!!!

:(

Alexa said...

i miss you come back!

Camilla said...

Hahahaha! You are hilarious! I especially love this part "Ah, bliss. Another day of just me and my manly, chiseled jaw out on the town. This espresso is simply exquisite. I think I will just let it linger here in front of my perfectly sized nostrils for a few moments to bring my nose to the highest level of olfactory ecstasy. My GOD, I'm smooth and handsome. My hair is like a buttered biscuit and even my cuticles scream with the passionate voice of l'amour."

dress for the image said...

God! That made me laugh for such a long time! I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks !

ashley heaton said...

oh my goodness, that first look and the hamburger dress...yikes 0_0

ps i finally got a links list together...not allowed to link from my fashion site (blog.pricegrabber.com/chicshopper) but i linked you at my personal journal (http://lilrock-n-roll.livejournal.com/profile)
:)

SICK. said...

hhahahaaaaaaaaa.
:]
hah.

x.
jh

Irides said...

I have stopped by to tell you that you are my mathematics-butchering, ad libbing soulmate and that if you do not believe me, I will simply whack you over the head with a pair of sequined, colored uggs and drag you to a nearby coffee shop (i.e., the one I work in) and bribe you with unlimited free caffeinated confectionery.

Or I could just kill you, whatever's easier.

Geisha said...

Hahaha your posts are hilarious :D

Adele said...

haha hilarious!!

tor said...

colored uggs equal satan which equal my bitchy ap english teacher

so does that mean my colored uggs equal my bitchy ap english teacher?

funny how these things work out. especially considering that on the first day of school, she wore a pair of red prada pumps.

illy said...

The hamburger dress is class. Oh dear, oh dear, the cruelties of haut couture!

hellocello said...

"I WILL BRING THE GAY."

ive been saying that all the time now. :D

where might i find some of the lovely, tacky, fabulous jewelry you mentioned a few posts ago? i tried to find it on google, but me, being google-challenged, just ended up with a lot of clint eastwood (i think i missed something...?)... sooooo please point me in the general direction..!!!

danke!

Me said...

Hi, I have changed my blog adress...can you change it on your links...PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAASE! :D Thanks!

The Stiletto Effect said...

Hi :)

How have you been?

I miss your posts!

I've also been away from the blogosphere since a while ago, but now I'm back! Please keep in touch!

Kisses
Su

Shallom (Editor) said...

hmm...no posts since December 13th? Come now, there's no need to be gone that long! We miss you, please come baaaaccckkk!

Fabi said...

holy crap you get an awful lot of comments girly!! hehe,
I'm waiting for a new post as well!!! I've been in desperate need for your humorous posts!!!! miss ya!!
xoxo

The New Look said...

I love your blog.Those male mdoels are disgusting.

Please keep on making me laugh, take care

Maddy said...

Where. Are. You. WHAT THE FUCK EMMA

Renate said...

Haha, love it.

styleandthecity.com - Street style & romance in Paris said...

Hi talented stylish Emma

congratulation for your blog : very great

i just finished my Paris fashion week photo romance

i hope you'll like them

ps : some stories are translated in the "english" section


best regards

Kamel
street style romancer in Paris

fashionista said...

emma
please don't tell me you died

Joanna Schmidt said...

You are cute. Nuff said

Mz.Dream Gurl said...

I REALLY love,the male model comment also they are really cute. I like the color and the actings in the models. I also like how the page is arranged.

Joanna Schmidt said...

o my lord, you are FUNNY!

Eritia said...

oh emma,
nearly four months without alarm clock catastrophe is seriously unhealthy.
please come back to us!

Meg said...

Are you back?! Please tell me that your leaving a comment on my blog after four drought-like months means you're back!

Sister Libby said...

I would really like you to blog again...just saying...

Sunniva said...

ohh please come back soon ! I am missing you so much !

xx

molly said...

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

its not true though!!!!!! life without emma is dull and meaningless! everytime i see pictures of new york city, i think "shes out there...somewhere....i hope"

Meg said...

If you died, it's only fair to tell us so we can start the healing process...especially me. We were supposed to be married if we ever became spinsters, remember? *Sigh*

rebecca said...

Um...don't wanna sound all needy and desperate but I NEED you to get back to this and I'm DESPERATE for some New York news (I'm British for crying out loud!)

there we go, I officially have no shame...I have begged someone I don't even know for help. But it HAS been a stupidly long time since you updated your blog. I have had to resort to Facebook (*oh the shame*)

ll said...

OK EMMA. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
THIS IS AN INTERVENTION.
WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO???
I EVEN REKINDLED MY OLD ACCOUNT JUST TO SEND YOU THIS COMMENT.
I'LL MAKE IT A SHORT ESSAY, LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN WE BOTH USED TO POST ON OUR BLOGS.
the essay is titled:
'emma went away, now everyone's sad. compare and contrast' (that's really awful, i know, but that's usually what all the essays in english i get are entitled. apart from with like, poet's or themes or something but ANYWAY)
A year or so ago, when I was just a newbie in the blogosphere, i came across a HILARIOUS BEYOND REASON blog called 'if you can't think of anything nice to say... come sit here by me'.
IN CONCLUSION (wow, that was a really short essay) IF YOU DONT COME BACK, I WILL ARRANGE A RIOT. THINGS WILL GET RUINED, SHIT WILL BURN, PEOPLE WITH PITCHFORKS, YOU KNOW THE DEALIO.
obviously this is a bit pot-kettle because i totally deleted my blog, but i completely miss how awesome your blog is, and i've pretty much read all the posts about a trillion times to try and rekindle the magic.
but i need more magic emma, i need it. I'm like amy winehouse without her fix. I WILL GO ALL CRAZY BITCHASS ON YOU AND START GETTING ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT IF POSTS DON'T TART APPEARING.
ANYONE WHO READS THIS WILL THINK I'M CRAZY, THAT'S BECAUSE I AM. Also i believe that i have license to be crazy because most of the comments i posted on your blog sounded a bit like this anyway, so it's basically just the norm.
but there's a bit more caps.

the moral of the story, emma, is that you should totally come back. or like, add me and molly on facebook so we can just pretend your wall is our own, personal blog.

love from alanna (from lipstick lady and dylans candy blog and now, no blog at all)

ruby may said...

I HAVE GOOD NEWS ABOUT CREME EGGS
Obviously your mother was telling you one of those lies that mothers make up when they don't want to break your heart by admitting that they forgot to get you the only thing that you actually wanted- I can tell you, here in Australia we have creme eggs every easter, and all year 'round, if you don't mind buying them from milk bars that ordered too many three years ago, and still sell them even though they are white and crystalized inside.
I'm sorry if this is inappropriate- given that you wrote about them ages ago, but I only discovered your blog then, and I think that you should be told that yo' momma is not representing.

Photography by Jocelin said...

My dad (who was a big time weight lifter/foot ball coach) wore belly shirts just like that gray one with the logo of the college he coached at when I was young--belly shirts and really short red shorts, I die of laughter every time I see the old pictures!

Aisling said...

I'm looking for more hilarious posts, where have you been?

BTW I use to be Shoes by Chloe

cassiopeia said...

Teehee - got to love the boy in belly top - how embarrassing!!!

Uggs - yuk yuk - spoiling a perfectly fine colour by association!

prettygeeky.com said...

lol, I was thoroughly entertained here but wow, what a mega long post. I sometimes wish my thoughts would flow as freely. In any case, you are hilarious, keep it coming!

"I am going to out-Duck-Duck-Goose the other kids to the millionth factor."

LOL

Liebling said...

Come back! I just found your hilarious blog TO-DAY and need more! Thanks for the laughs :)

molly said...

so on friday it will be 6 months with no post.
half a year, with no emma fix.
i wont lie and tell you its been easy. its been pretty tough. each night i lie in bed thinking "will tomorrow be the big day? the day of emmas return???" each morning i arise as soon as i see the sun on the horizon, and rush to my laptop. sometimes, if it takes too long to start up, i throw things, because you never know when that'll make it run faster. then i go to your blog...every day for nearly six month, ive been met with the same damn "if these (male) models could talk..." headline. it was pretty hilarious for the first 3 months but ive grown weary.
i think alanna's on to something. add me on facebook

http://www.facebook.com/s.php?k=100000004&id=2232882184&gr=2

im the one named molly...

Brandi Stone said...

great post and blog!

molly said...

you didnt do the 6 month anniversary surprise comeback......

anyway, HERES my proper facebook address http://www.facebook.com/people/Molly_Greene/512407916

Sebastian Perinotti said...

you mad me laugh!

Chic Emporium said...

First photo was really funny..He could probably say "Its my younger bro's shirt".

Crispy Banana said...

American apparel ads are really bad sometimes.

Wendiva said...

bahahahaha!!! the guy on the phone cracks me up :) sooo funny!!!

http://wendiva.blogspot.com

fashionista said...

'Auf Wiedersehen, lovely readers.'

apparently for good.

fashionista said...

'Auf Wiedersehen, lovely readers.'

apparently for good.

R said...

At what point does a blog post turn into a hilarious novel? HILARIOUS

molly said...

dont think youve been forgotten...you definitely havent

TheShoeGirl said...

WOW... all one post? You are amazing and just put my half-assed blog to shame. SHAME i tell you.

Julie said...

"Another day of just me and my manly, chiseled jaw out on the town..."
hilarious!
great post,
julie
http://www.hipsterama.com

molly said...

a whole year without you...it fully sucked!
seriously, emma, i dont know if this is a little prank or what, but ENOUGH

The Stiletto Effect said...

One year later!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Love
Su

Mouthwash said...

omg. OMG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN all my life?? this blog is HILARIOUS! Your picture of Uggs=Satan.
yes.'

And your panty desire.



you are awesome



ambersmouthwash.blogspot.com

Lydia said...

hey where have you been??? been like a year and a half!!!!!

Ania said...

Come back, please. Or at least let us know it's OVER.
'Cause right now it feels like somebody was murdered but they never found the body.

Well, you know what I mean. People need closure.
It's been over a year and I still haven't forgotten about your blog. That should count for something.

molly said...

totally agree with ania here

also, im now obsessed with 30 rock and i dont have you to enjoy it with me
come on now

Meg said...

I'm actually just here to leave flowers at your blog's grave
*weeps a bit*

JoolzGirl said...

This was a great blog. I found it way too late, but its chock-full of awesome.

Quinto Sol said...

I hope you're in the development process of a TV series and/or a novel. Your witticisms are too good to be read by a couple of hundred people; they need to be enjoyed by the masses.

OAN, I hope school is going well.

XOX

Author in the making: said...

Ha ha, that's really clever, and so true!!! The first one is very good and the self obessed one!! LOL, very nice!!!

molly said...

i'm assuming you dont read this, for if you are ignoring all these emotional pleas, you have a heart of stone
however, if you do, i gave you a shout out on my blog today!

Maddy said...

Molly just reminded me of your blog, which, I am not going to lie, I still visit periodically.

[this is Maddy, formerly of the Vehement Lovely, which had a stupid name, so she is now of She Wears Clothes]

[Not that you're reading this]

[You heartless, blog-abandoning bastard]

Style Mews said...

hahahaa brilliant!xx

KathyBaker24 said...

I have an interior design site and I am interested in purchasing a link on your website. Your site looks great and I would love to be part of your blogroll. Or, if you prefer we could exchange links.


If this is possible, could you let me know how much you would charge for a basic text link. My site is located at http://www.genuinestyle.net.


Thank you for your time, I look forward to hearing back from you.

v辰原 said...

Nice blog85cc,咆哮小老鼠,85街,免費影片,情趣爽翻天,愛戀情人用品,交友找啦咧,線上a片,女同志聊天室,sexy,色情網站,網愛聊天室,情色性愛貼圖,小穴,性愛姿勢,陰脣室,成人圖貼,性愛技巧,a片論壇,色情,85c,sexy網,人妻,脫衣,6k,18禁,手淫,性幻想,77p2p,情色,1007,85c,0401,後宮,色情,淫蕩,正妹,77p2p,ut室

少菁 said...

thank u........................................

LonnyAa1105podac said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。..................................................

don1012nym_nicks said...

任何你憂慮的事,你都應該去採取一點行動,不要只是在那邊想..................................................

靜昀 said...

I love readding, and thanks for your artical...................................................

Elvi107sS_Scholten0 said...

your artical is so funny!! it make me so happy!! .............................................

惠玲 said...

Judge not of men and things at first sight.......................................................

怡君 said...

一定要保持最佳狀況呦,加油!!!期待你發表的新文章!........................................

于呈均名 said...

若有人問你成功時會不會記得他 試問若你失敗時他會不會記得你 ............................................................

雲亨Ab9雲亨 said...

真是好文呀~~給你拍拍手再加分!!!..................................................

張孟勳 said...

我對自己的信心已超越別人對我的評價........................................

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...

你不能左右天氣,但你可以改變心情................................................................

洪筱婷 said...

好想睡覺哦~上班摸魚看看blog.................................................................

GlenS_Mielke12嘉偉17 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。.................................................................                           

SBG said...

LOL you are so funny!

sarissweetlife.blogspot.com

育財 said...

知識可以傳授,智慧卻不行。每個人必須成為他自己。......................................................................

靜宸靜宸靜宸 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。.................................................................

Pixie Dust said...

Hahahaha so funny :D
What a lovely blog!

If you get the time, I'd be very happy if you checked out my blog - I think you will really like it :))
I hope you have a wonderful day and I can't wait to hear from you! :))
<3

云依恩HFH謝鄭JTR安 said...

It takes all kinds to make a world.............................................................

欣怡 said...

很用心的blog,推推哦 ..................................................................

JasonBirk佳琪 said...

Quality is better than quantity.............................................................

俊成俊成 said...

責人之心責己,恕己之心恕人。..................................................................

韋志韋志 said...

我來湊熱鬧的~~^^ 要平安快樂哦............................................................

惠桂惠桂 said...

hi 上來跟大家問聲好~~ 別玩得太累~~..................................................................

淑慧 said...

No one knows the weight of anothers burden. ............................................................

香昱信張君林 said...

缺少智慧,就是缺少一切..................................................

RicoLisi0802志竹 said...

不錯的資訊~我會好好記下來!............................................................

ToryO_Vis建銘 said...

偶爾上來逛逛,下次不知是否還有緣再進來,先祝您平安順利!!!...............................................................

仲惠娟惠娟亨 said...

傻氣的人喜歡給心 雖然每次都被笑了卻得到了別人的心..................................................................

凱v胡倫 said...

Lets cross the bridge when we come to it............................................................

偉曹琬 said...

要在憂患恥辱的環境裡,創造我們自力更生的新生活。..................................................

偉曹琬 said...

做好事,不需要給人知道,雖然只是一件微不足道的事,但我相信,這會帶給我快樂。..................................................

昱陳陳陳意陳陳 said...

我們必須先有哭泣,才有歡笑;也必須先感到人生的悲哀,然後才感到人生的快樂。................................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

累了嗎?來杯咖啡休息一下吧!...............................................................

洪勳劉耀德劉耀德華 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」..................................................