Saturday, June 2, 2007

There's something about the end of the school year that always gets me a little nostalgic.
And when I say nostalgic, I mean my own personal brand of nostalgia. Not sifting through boxes of old photographs, a single delicate tear running down my cheek while singing "Memories" softly to myself with a sob in my throat
I mean my special interpretation of the stages of grief (eat that, Kubler-Ross)- stuffing my face, moaning about the diet I'm supposed to be on, watching Tyrant Banks attempt to Oprah her way in to the Benevolent Martyr Of The Year award show by doing her "listening face" (which was so clearly jacked from The Big Book O' Winfrey that I can't even handle it), finally trying to get out a stack of photos and getting a papercut, therefore leading me to run around the apartment for three hours screaming "MY THUMB, MY THUMB, OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD MY THUMB", and of course, reflecting back on my childhood.

Look, even Nicole Richie is like, "Hello? Hello? Can you even HEAR ME? Or are you just MESMERIZED by the REFLECTION of YOU in my T-ZONE?"
In one of my junk-food-entrenched reflections on the days of yore, I remembered something that played a very integral part of my early life- fantasizing about my Dream House.
Surely somebody out there knows what I mean. Back in my Popsicle-stained, muddy-kneed, red-overalls-wearing (I didn't pick my own clothes out, okay? So shut up) days, my similarly sticky little friends and I would convene on the playground to discuss the houses we would live in when we were all grown up- you know, pink fuzzy towels, lots of animals, only candy in the fridge, Prince Charming hanging out on the couch, that kind of thing. But my idea of the Dream House has been tweaked a little bit since I was seven. Now, the kitchen is filled with kitsch accessories and I've scrapped the whole animal-jungle thing (I'm not really a menagerie kind of girl- it turns out animals require food, water and unwavering attention, and hello, I can barely focus on my own hand for more than nine seconds at a time), but at times I still catch myself daydreaming about the kind of place I'll live in when I'm on my own. Therefore, I give you...
Emma's Dream House! Or at least, some of the amenities I like to think would be in there-

Voila, I give you The Orange Room. Please note the shoe Rolodex, the painfully awesome chandelier made out of GUMMY BEARS (I don't completely understand how it works- surely the lightbulb would melt the poor little bears? But I'm glad it exists), the awesomely tacky Hawaiian pineapple pitcher and glasses, the so-ugly-as-to-be-awesome Rococo-but-gaudier desk which I so sorely crave (and costs about $3,000 at the Conran Shop, but whatever, this is my fantasy apartment), and the curtains which I will so totally be buying in the near future if I ever stop spending all my money on bronzing powders and muffins. Heh, look at the little fish in the funky tank! Hello, Mr. Fish. You are as close as I will ever see myself getting to having a real pet- after all, "fish" ranks about one step above "balled-up Kleenex" on the responsibility

Ah, the Game Room. Come on, who wouldn't want to lounge in those ridiculously comfortable-looking chairs (seriously, that red dish chair is from Urban Outfitters and is so shamefully comfortable that I end up having to be pried out by the employees because I'm lying there in a trance), basking under the glow of that funky chandelier and propping their feet up on the awesome Union Jack light-up coffee table (maybe I'm a poseur for wanting that table when I'm not even remotely British, but hey, I'm a wannabe about that stuff. Note- the Brit-speak that's been slipping into my speech, both online and off lately- my friends have been mercilessly mocking me about my exclamations of "Bugger!" and "Bloody hell!" lately)? Then maybe I could mix a drink in the drink shaker with the recipes scrawled all over it, and prop it on the Amish coasters- you can't really see them, but they have little Amish sayings and cartoons and they're F-N hilarious, especially to a self-confessed quasi-Amish non-iPod-having girl like myself. Then, we could engage in some good-old-fashioned parlor games...Vegas, perhaps? I can only imagine what a Vegas board game entails. "You landed on a toothless prostitute convention...go back five spaces! Oh, but you won some of your money back in a game of craps- move up three spaces?" Or perhaps we'll even indulge in some Shenanigans™, wink wink, nudge nudge. And OH MY GOD. The Bible Game. I hope no very religious people are reading this and getting mad at me (I'm not making fun of religion itself, I'm making fun of whoever created this game)...but is that not the funniest thing you've ever SEEN? I mean, wow. Who wouldn't want to come over on a Saturday night and play a rousing round of The Bible Game? "Congratulations, you have just parted the Red Sea. Advance through the pearly gates to receive your complimentary rosary".

When I get a headache from the gaudy tackiness of the rest of my Dream House, I will repair to this, my Semi-Classy Room Of Relaxation. I love the aubergine couch- it's called a fainting couch, and I can totally see myself coming in and throwing myself across it, calling out, "Eet 'as been such a horreeble day, come and rub my feet, Hans, et s'il vous plait, avec le bon massage oil, oui?" The first thing is a little at-home garden which I think is very pretty, as is the weird twist glass flower vase and the totally useless but lovely glass perfume bottle. The suburst clock is from Plaid Pony Vintage, as are a bunch of other things in this post. The funky lamps, pillow and Gothic-beautiful black candle holder are from the Conran Shop, and the print of The Bar At The Folies-Bergere is one of my favorite paintings. I would probably end up hanging it in my first apartment no matter where I lived, amongst all the Seventeen Locker Pinup pictures of Hayden Christensen's abs and "REMEMBER- YOGA SUNDAY! DON'T SKIP IT TO GO SIT ON THE ROOF AND EAT POP-TARTS! ALSO, FOR GOD'S SAKE, STUDY FOR EXAMS! " Post-Its littering my walls. Not that those things hang on my current bedroom walls. Well, maybe they do.

I know I have about two million things here, but I LOVE KITCHEN CRAP. Mainly because it makes food, and we all know how I feel about food (I like it. A lot. Gluttony is the new black). In my Dream Kitchen, I would have appliances in all different pretty colors- aquamarine oven, apple-green mixer, red microwave, orange juicer, pale yellow toaster, pink dishwasher. I would also have a kitsch retro bread bin, fake Amy Sedaris cakes (they would totally taunt me, just like that Philosophy body lotion that smells like cinnamon buns taunts me- every time I take a shower it smells so good I just want to swallow a big gulp but then I remember that it's not, well, edible, per se- still, I love those cakes. And I use the delicious-smelling little tease of a body lotion), a cotton-candy machine, a CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN (Oh God, I want that to appear in my bedroom right now), an awesome weird egg contraption that is both an egg timer and an egg cup, according to Suck UK, the off-beat company that carries it, heart-shaped measuring cups, a funky "Coffee-You'll Sleep When You're Dead!" coffee mug and of course an awesome fifties-diner-style straw holder. Also, in my Dream Kitchen (or should I say, Kitsch-En? Oh yes, I went there) I would eat everything and not gain any weight. I would just run around baking things in that '50s slip-dress-like apron from Ballyhoo Vintage.

In case you can't tell, this is my Random Awesome Stuff category. That washing machine is GOLD-ENCRUSTED, which would really take the sting out of having to do my own laundry. The Absolut Salt+Pepper Shakers are there because...heh. The pink flamingo lawn ornaments will surely be adorning any future lawn of mine, and that weird cumbersome lime-and-pale-green studded thing is a cute dresser. I generally hate sleep masks (I mean, come on, can't you just turn the lights off?) but this one is just so damn cute. Speaking of so damn cute, look at those Fred Flare patterned folders! They actually give me an urge to be the OCD kind of girl who turns in all her projects a month early perfectly folded and laminated. The little mod sewing patterns are perfect for me, a wannabe seamstress who's been trying to make her own clothes for awhile but usually just ends up sewing her jeans to her top or something stupid like that. If I ever make anything worth showing, I'll post a picture of it.

MUSIC, TV, + MOVIE CORNER- I'm writing this post from up on my roof; I recently figured out how to get up here, and it's really cool and comfortable in the sweltering NYC heat to have a place to "study" (blog, eat, listen to music). Anyway, I've been rotating between my "Old-Times Playlist"- Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Fred Astaire ("Strange Fruit" by Billie Holiday and "Satin Doll" by Ella Fitzgerald are so fantastic, and of course listening to Billie always calls to mind that quote from Clueless- "Do you like Billie Holiday?" "Oh, I love him!" Is it sad that I can quote that movie in its entirety? Probably. But not as sad as the fact that I could literally perform Heathers in its entirety if asked to do so) and my "Regina Spektor Playlist", which features- you guessed it- Regina Spektor. The songs I'm currently stuck on are "Music Box", "Baobabs" and "That Time". The latter, particularly, so perfectly embodies what I'm feeling right now in a way I can't explain. Her voice is so weird and freaky, but also beautiful. I also entertained myself the other day with...oh God, I hate myself- an SATC marathon on HBO. I hate this show so much, I publicly deride Patricia Fields' Quaaludes-fueled sartorial "brainstorms", and I personally find Carrie Bradshaw to be one of the most loathsome characters concocted in recent TV history, but I can't help it. It's a DRUG, I tell you, a DRUG. What woman (and maybe men too, though they won't admit it) doesn't occasionally have a guilty renaissance with this show?

SIGHTINGS- My friend and I were walking along enjoying Mr. Softee cones when our eyeballs were attacked by the sight of a girl in ankle boots, metallic blue leggings (STILL? REALLY! GOOD GOD! SWEET MOTHER OF THE APOCALYPSE! I FEEL LIKE MY EYES ARE GOING TO BLEED. ENOUGH NOW. PLEASE. PACK IT UP, LEGGINGS FIENDS! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO THROW PAINT ON YOU BEFORE YOU FINALLY PUT THEM AWAY? I'm sorry, that was involuntary), a tiny tee-shirt and a vest. Basically, Sienna Miller's bastard child. It wasn't good, to say the least. We shuddered briskly in a manner that is reserved for when we see gruesome car accidents, or Justin Timberlake. Also, on a happier note, this girl at my school was wearing totally real-looking, very funky retro cherry-shaped earrings which I really coveted. And I saw this very Face Hunter-y guy downtown in a pair of misguided black "slim-fit" hipster trousers which I did not care for, but he redeemed himself by being very cute and crisp in a Thomas Pink shirt and a refreshingly offbeat polka-dot tie (but not in a nerdy bio-teacher way, in a funky way).

CURRENT ATTIRE- Little printed sundress, wedges, bright-red vintage bangle bracelet from some shop in London, my usual Strand bag.



Dilemma said...

That Gummy bear chandelier is MINE. I need it in my life as soon as humanly possible. Which translates to RIGHT THIS SECOND. I need a personal assistant who can track things like this down for me.

I don't have an iPod either. Well, I have an MP3 player but I still get looked at funny whenever I take it out in public. Poor Fifi La Rue. That's what I've named it[after a word-play on Tori Spelling's dog's name, naturally]; just because it's not an iPod doesn't mean it doesn't deserve a name like one!!!

Flashy_Shades said...

thanks so much for noticing, dudette! i'm so excited to be blogging again. also, that was an EPIC post

blushing apples said...

wow!i love the gummy bear chandelier, who knew it existed? your "Kitsch-En" would be so neat. love the color appliances like the avocado green kitchemaid mixer and the blue range, the transparent lamps, really i could go on... i love everything! and i would love the fake cakes displayed on the kitchen. i love kitchy stuff too!!! great post! and that urban outfitter antoinette sofa is also on my wishlist its only 550.00 a steal!!!

Brian Mandabach said...

Love that bar print, too. It makes me want one of those bottles that looks like it has to be Bass Ale.

Makes me want to go to a really good bar back when we smoked in them. I know. Smoking is bad. I never really even enjoyed it. Not really.

Bad Bar and Colorado Springs:
I didn't mean AGAINST-NYC. I meant opposite of-NYC!
A new bar opened here, actually it was a club. A friend of a friend was running sound and we went down there. Horrible scary looking guys playing classic rock and roll to an empty room. The poor fellows looked like they were playing at the time the classics were fresh, only these guys never got out of the bars and made it big like the guys who wrote the songs they were playing. The other room featured a DJ and nobody dancing except women in cages.

Worst was the bartender who couldn't concentrate on her multi-tasking well enough to open me a bottle of beer. Maybe Chris freaked her out with his margarita request, Don Julio and just a splash of Grand Marnier--tough, I know--but all she could manage to do was fiddle around with several projects behind the bar. Oh, and lean forward over the bar when and give us an eye-full--not an unpleasant sight, but please! Is it too much to ask that you flash me AND open me a bottle of beer?

God! sorry for the comment almost as long as the post, but I'm sure NYC doesn't have club openings this horrible, and anti-NYC is actually an acknowledgement that Colorado Springs is not as cool as your fair city.

sarissa said...

I getcha about the long posts, haha, I just kind of needed to get all my TV and movie stuff out! and i didn't even get onto the subjjects of Ugly Betty, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the olsen twins.. seroiuly, i have a list of stuff i gotta write about as long as my arm.. mybe i'll put a little more panache into them, when I write about tv it tends to become a long, long, LONG reel of OMGGG and TOTALLY FORGOT and complete hiatus o the spelling front.. oh well, as georgia nicholson would say (do you get those books? yes of course you do, i know u do because america thought the title 'and thats when it fell off in my hand' was too rude, so it got changed to 'i'm away laughing on a fast camel', or something... anyway, read em!)
.. ho hum pigs bum.. that sounded BARE british but hey thats me!

back to the post, OMG, so great! it's like being shown around your crib or something, its awesome! hardly ever does a blog entry have me laughing out loud, but somehow, you manage it- BIBLE GAME... WTF MATE (lets be australian)?!!!
i DO, however, LOVe tyra, but for some freak-assed reason, which is INCREDIBLY freakassed considering what is it like the biggest talkshow in america, we are DEPRIVED over here yes DEPRIVED, i tell you, of Oprah Winfrey!

I'm getting nostalgic about the end of the year.. but I've been at this school 5 years and now I'm headin' off to sixth form where my DAD is a MAJOR head of department teacher.. PAAAAAAAARTAAAAAAY :/

(excuse that smile thing, god i hate it when people do that)
so anyways, looooove the gummi bear chandelier, thats a discovvery to rival e=mc squared or whatever that einstein dude came upwith

i like the russian doll pillows, iv got soo many of thsose dolls lol! the shoe rolly thing is HOT and i love your little "fish" ranks about one step above "balled-up Kleenex" on the responsibility
scale."- i don't know how you come up wth it!

i love, however, EVERYTHING on the 'random awesome stuff' category, so pretty and gorgeous. gosh how vocabulicious i am today. OMG i just made that word up, i hope i'm the first one. you might be interested to know that i just spent about a minute trying to figure out how to spell category- an 'h'? OMG whaats wrong with me, ican spell! oh lordy.

this is long, so before i go, i should say that YES, GEORGE CLOONEY IS TIMELESS ♥, and, hot as hell as well. althoug thats kind of implied. and I CAN DO THE WHOLE OF CLUELESS TOO!!! except i haven't seen heathers i feel vgery amish about THAT. although and since i havent seen heathers peerhaps i cannot sya this, but, i've seen Mean Girls enough times to make up for it.

I'm sick of leggings. so sick.
i hate SATC. HATE it. its so driippy and annoying and URGH! however i love reggy spekky butmy faves are better, fidelity, and the BEAUTIFUL samson!

okay. this is longgg as. but oh well, thsi is my number one blog so if ya can't here, where can ya? love ya x

-ciao bella- said...

i seriously think that chandelier is probably the most awesome thing i've seen in my life... no really, i'm just that pathetic to be completey in love with a chandelier made completely out of orange gummy bears. i want it really badly haha. fab post as always

Carolina Lange said...

I know what you mean about the end of the school nostalgia. I guess everyone feel a bit like that.
That chandelier is so beautiful!
Great post!

jungle dream pagoda said...

Okay ,I want the shoe roladex and the Golightly sleep mask.
The funny thing is when you actually get a somewhat dream house you ACTUALLY purchase some of these things! I think its all about actually living your own fantasy. We just recieved our 3rd Eames chair from fed-ex this morning(design within reach is my own overblown weakness).I have groovy mint in the box cartoon coasters(though not Amish) waiting for that perfect cocktail party,but ofcourse as soon as I open them and use them,I can't live the dream any more!
I think its also funny and coincidental that you liken' yoursself to the Amish. One of the reasons I started blogging was to learn the computer so my freinds (and 10 year old daughter) would stop calling me "lo-tech Amish Woman"!

jayne said...

oh thank god you posted, i need salvation during the weekend before finals! gah!

i love the coffee cup!

speaking of faux-british people, alex (from the amazing alex richards blog!) actually thought i was british! despite how much i mention living in the american version of sibera- aka MN, and it's even listed in my pf...hehe. i'm not exactly sure where she got that from maybe my music, celeb obsessions, and occasional lang- i used the word pitch the other day instead of field and i used cheeky also, my family just roles their eyes!

oh and don't feel bad about your clueless obsession, i can probably preform you've got mail!

plus, i hate yoga, so really, don't feel bad about skipping it, b/c poptarts are sooo much better ;)

and hayden christensen....yuuuuum! but where were you so lucky that you found wallposters of his abs!

and i have a possible solution for leggingitis...we could either give them giant wedgies or....pants them in the middle of the street! hehe, let's do it!

and your outfit sounds adorbale!

ooops, that was a completely out of order reply to this post...sorry, but i guess my brain is fried from the SAT IIs this morning...

Maddy said...

Your description of Tyra Banks is SPOT ON.

maya said...

So here's the idea: we meet at a camp and realize we are twins while going through various ordeals such as fencing and getting our clothes stolen etc. Then we go loot a shoe store as pre-planned. So afterwards I go "hey Emma, I've got an idea, why don't we recreate that dream house that you posted about in your blog, what do you think?"
and you go "Maya, you sound way too scripted when you talk but I guess you are writing this and maybe that's just how you talk so I forgive you and I love your idea, lets". And then we do.
Then we get famour for being so darn cool and MTV comes to film cribs at our apartment and our fridge is permanently filled with nutella and haagen daaz and all things yummy and we have a room just full of shoes and we get phone calls from The Strokes begging us to go out with them and all sorts. I'm still working on this but how do you like it so far?

maya said...

also, I'm really sorry but wherefore actually means why so wherefore-art-thou(sp?)Romeo actually means why are you called Romeo and the same with any name.

maya said...

only the best people get death threats daahhling

Mrs Fashion said...

Please can I come and hang out in your Semi-Classy Room Of Relaxation?
Mrs F x

PS if I could grant you that MJ denim dress, I would!

pinup_girl said...

You picked some fabulous furniture! And your writing style is so intriguing! You could write about anything and I'd be interested.

Carolina Lange said...

And I forgot to say, that purple sofa is fantastic! Love it!

Iheartfashion said...

Ooooooh, I love the orange room! And where can I get a shoe rolodex? And the gummy bear chandelier and aubergine fainting couch: excellent!

Hannah Danger said...

You're such a sweetheart, really. All ranting maniacs such as ourselves have an inner nice girl and I really appreciate yours today! <3

That post was amazing... I want the red chair from Urban Outfitters, but is there an Urban Outfitters anywhere near me? NO. Typical.

And also your current attire seems quite stylish &cute =] Kudos!

-S said...

how i love yard flamingos. tacky, yes, but oh so cool. and a gummi bear light? is that even possible? oh well, it looks amazingly cool, and probley tastes better

molly said...

amish buddy! i dont have an ipod or mp3 players either...but ill probably get one soon because im going away all summer

i love the part about seeing the girl in the shiney leggings...though i admit...i kind shiney leggings.

a thousand apologies! you may whip me
*kinky sort of eyebrows raising*

if i ever was walking down the street and saw justin timberlake, i would probably projectile vomit. all over him, hopefully

maya said...

when's your birthday?
im not going to stalk you or send you a cake or anything, i just want to know if we really are twins. mine is july 5th

CountryGirl_CityLife said...

When Hans-y boy is done giving your paws a rub-down, can he come over to my flat and work me out? The fitflops are forever on back order and it is too sweltering to even think about moving lips to a martini glass (thats hot for me you know). I just need him to lift my arms up and down, scissor my legs a few times and perhaps fold me into some pretzel like move that would qualify as a crunch. Tell him I tip well and may wear something short. Ciao.

Palm Springs Savant said...

I have to tell you, this is a GREAT blog. I just stumbled on it today and really enjoyed reading thru! stop by and say hi sometime.

Q said...

I'd love to. Er, since your blog name is a little long, do you mind me shortening it on my list?

Say, you wouldn't happen to go to an upper east side New York prep school, would you? =P

Jennifer said...

Yhe Union jack table is so cute.
Nicole richie looked so bad on the tyra show, she normally looks so put together!

ashley heaton said...

i seriously love your blog. the end.

Mash said...

I totally love your dream's kitchen <3 I also love the fact that you can eat what you want and not gain any weight :) !

molly said...

a whole room for board games? a gummy bear chandelier?
expect to find me squatting in your house for a loooong time.

WAT said...


This is it darling! You can be an interior decorator/designer like Grace Adler on Will & Grace! Have you seriously considered it being that you have such a sharp keen eye and all on these things?

the lipstick lady said...

it's so sad, I played all my friends music box my ms spektor and they were all like EWWW, SHE'S SINGING A SONG ABOUT WASHING THE DISHES, WHAT A FREAK. I was like, PEOPLE, have some broader musical taste or SOMETHING.
wow, many many caps.

tell me about new york city, like, everything, seeing as I'm auditioning for a drama school on Madison Avenue next year and I really hope I get in so I can escape the whole big fat cow pat that is my school and such things like that, so... yes, I need to know the whole ropes and things like where the pervs hang out so I can definately NOT GO THERE and how to properly hail a taxi because it looks really hard in the movies and sex and the city, but I suppose I'm steryotyping AND BABBLING.

and also, those fake cakes from fred flare are 100 freaking dollars, and the shipping charge to the UK is around 40 dollars so I was like NO WAY (back to capitals again...) SISTA, I'll just MAKE my own fake cakes, but then I realised I really didn't know how so instead I just made a cake and ate it all alone. I dont really know how my mom thinks I'm still on my diet, I seem to be steaedily gaining weight every day, but ah well.

have you actually started summer hols already??? We have a whole bloody month, how lame. But we have half terms all the time which is part of the reason I'm totally broke, so I say DOWN WITH HALF TERMS and up with long summer holdiays. (I decided to stop caps there because I sound really stupid. I sounded stupid already though. sorry, this is a poor, poor comment.)

Emily Lin said...

I can't stop drooling on the icecream. And I think I will be chased out by the employees too because the red dish chair is just looking so comfy to be sleep on. LOVE the selection of the crystal-like table lamp as they are looking darn gorgeous, ever! Again I couldn't stop laughing after seeing "PLEASE. PACK IT UP, LEGGINGS FIENDS! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO THROW PAINT ON YOU BEFORE YOU FINALLY PUT THEM AWAY?". I'll buy you some paint, darling :p

Have a nice week ahead! Looking forward to the next weekend!

Hannah Danger said...

Haha thank you =]

I just took a photo of my products (on the toilet seat actually, it's the only flat white surface in my house...) and then put the pic on photoshop and add in some red numbers. If you don't have photoshop... I shouldn't say buy it, because it's expensive ($900 a CD anyone?) but if you can get your hands on a copy, go for it, or dowload The Gimp which is free and a lot like Photoshop. (I'm a closet art geek, no?)

Whatever Dee-Dee wants said...

You should get this Union Jack bean bag to go with your fun table!

Tru said...

I totally remeber fantasisiing abotu my dream house when I was younger I still do

hellocello said...

gummy bear chandelier = crazy awesome. assorted lamps and such in relaxation room = super hot.


katie-lilga said...

is it true? do you REALLY live in new york?! im going this summer...i cannae wait! hopefully bag a few vintage bargains, it has to be better than dublin for vintage clothes! =]

Touche19 said...

your dream house sounds kicking.
when am I invited to the house warming party?

P.S. i haaaaate leggings. they need to die. now.

Bella said...

O how I wish I had the freedom to design a house with amazing furniture and rooms and craziness like your dream house....i wish...btw everything in the post was awesome ;)

Greta said...

I've been coveting that fainting sofa for awhile now...i must have it for my new apartment! i really enjoyed reading your blog. keep up the good work!!!

Model Citzen said...

emma your add rants are getting longer, and i love em! keep them coming. so you should totally do a post on what attire your weekend in new york involves. i'm all for it...

Crazy Eddie said...

"In one of my junk-food-entrenched reflections on the days of yore, I remembered something that played a very integral part of my early life- fantasizing about my Dream House..."

I particularly liked that sentence. It made me laugh... and I usually don't find just anything funny...

And about the wedding... I do agree that we should make it a blogger group thing. Poligamy never hurt anyone, let alone the righteous blogging community (don't tell Denise I said that).

Besos para siempre

Meg said...

Papercuts sting like a bitch.
My masseuser is called Helmut. Helmut is hilarious, after he rubs me down (yes, my entire body, he's also my lover) with baby oil, we cruise the streets and generally abuse the populace. Helmut enjoys shouting "Thar she blows" at fat people in his German accent. I enjoy that too.

I collect sleep eye patches. Seriously. I also wear ear plugs at night and yell at my flatmates when it sounds like they're having fun. If they're not scared into submission, I usually say "Helmut! Attack!" and he pummels them. He is such a good boyfriend.

buttonsandstars said...

Loving your kitchen!
Ooh, and I adore Regina Spektor. She is my idol! I want to steal her voice...

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